Rob's Rocky Mountain Rants

Break

2008-12-15T22:46:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I've been away. My job has been CRAZY since ... well ... since the market went crazy. Our family is going to Germany for a couple weeks, and hopefully, when we return, I can start up again. - R

PALINdromes

2008-10-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Those who haven't figured out Governor Palin's genius by now simply don't understand that during the debate she is burdened with trying to figure out how to say her position in a palindrome format:

Ifill: "Governor, what did you whisper to the witchdoctor who visited your church?

Palin: "Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas"

Ifill: "Please name 3 reasons Americans should vote for John McCain?"

Palin: "A man, a plan, a canal—Panama!”

Good Fences Make Good Neibuhrs

2008-09-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

A great Reinhold Niebuhr quote from a 1916 Atlantic Monthly article about democracy, individualism, etc., from one of our nation's great theologians:

The Atlantic Monthly

Neibuhr concludes with this powerful critique, that is profound in its relevance today:

The Atlantic Monthly

A Nation of Adolescent Profligates

2008-09-30T22:41:00.001-07:00

After reading Andrew Bacevich's book on The Limits of Power, I became fascinated with the idea of profligacy. I found an interesting quote from Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics which described profligacy in terms of it being a childish fault.

For years now I've been feeling that we as a nation/culture have been regressing. We are leaving adulthood, and falling back into a cultural adolescence. We want things, but don't want to pay for them. We are ego-centric, selfish, short sighted, competitive, hard to manage. A civilization of teenagers basically.

Here is the quote from Nicomachean Ethics:

The Nicomachean Ethics of Aristotle By Aristotle, Frank Hesketh Peters

Teddy Says the Darndest Things...

2008-09-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

I was reading Theodore Roosevelt's autobiography the other day (since John McCain just loves to vacillate between being a Reagan Republican and a Roosevelt Republican). I found an interesting section that seemed almost to foreshadow our current predicament. Look closely at the sections dealing with "doctrines of laissez-faire economists," "unlimited individualism," "immunity," etc. Very, very interesting :

Theodore Roosevelt, an Autobiography an autobiography By Theodore Roosevelt

Jesting with the Infinite and His Terrible Master

2008-09-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

David Foster Wallace is dead. What a F'ing RIP.

IT is impossible to relate to those who haven't read DFW what the literary world has lost.

His essays were brilliant, his fiction was innovative. His writing was fresh, fast, and violently funny.

In DFW's 2005 commencement speech at Kenyon, he said:

It is not the least bit coincidental that adults who commit suicide with firearms almost always shoot themselves in: the head. They shoot the terrible master. And the truth is that most of these suicides are actually dead long before they pull the trigger.

And I submit that this is what the real, no bullshit value of your liberal arts education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out.

So Long DFW. God speed into the real and the infinite.

Books I'm Currently Reading

2008-09-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

Andrew Bacevich -- Limits of Power: The End of American Exceptionalism

Bacevich (an old friend of my wife's family) argues that although many in this country are paying a heavy price for US domestic and foreign policy decisions, millions of Americans simply continue to shop, spend and satisfy their appetite for cheap oil, credit and the promise of freedom at home.

This is one of the GREAT books I've read during my adulthood.

Richard Ben Cramer -- What it Takes: The Way to the White House

How do presumably ordinary people acquire that mixture of ambition, stamina, and pure shamelessness that makes a true candidate? This book is VERY illuminating, especially during our current election cylce since one of the eight people covered in Cramer's opus is Senator Biden.

Robert D. Kaplan -- Imperial Grunts: The American Military on the Ground

Several of Kaplan's books are among my favorite non-fiction reads. Balkan Ghosts was fantastic, as was The Coming Anarchy.

Anthony Everitt -- Augustus: The Life of Rome's First Emperor

In exploring the rise to power of Augustus, adopted son of Julius Caesar, Everitt alos explores the Roman Empire, with all its violence, greed, debauchery, and heroics.

I didn't realize it until I had listed the four books currently at home on my bedside table, but they are ALL ... to one extent or another...books about Empire and Imperialism.

Digitus Impudicus: FU We Can!

2008-08-25T19:51:00.001-07:00

Although I am a fan of Joe Biden, in the shadowy recesses of my mind, I was kinda hoping that -- in a show of 'Business Unusual' -- Barack Obama would declare John McCain his running mate.

Everyone in the press would go absolutely ape, until the next day when...wait for it...McCain would declare Barack Obama to be HIS running mate.

I don't think CNN, FOX, or MSNBC would know what to do with that.

The party system would begin a series of dry heaves that would only end after the election.

Better yet, during the Republican Convention, it would be awesome if John McCain would mention he decided to accept the Republican nomination, but instead of an inspiring speech he simply flips the bird for 20 minutes. Declaring his mute "double-barrel salute" a solemn devotion to Bush and Rove.

McCain would instantly jump back into the role of Maverick and send the entire Republican Convention into hysterics.

No one in 100 years will really remember anything about Kerry, Dole or Dukakis. Think about it. Who really knows anything about James Cox (Harding), John Davis (Coolidge), or Al Smith (Hoover)?

BUT, if John McCain gave the Republican Party the 'rigid digit salute' at the Republican Convention, win or lose, he would join the pantheon of American folklore fantastic. He wouldn't be a footnote in American Politics. John McCain would be its exclamation point!

China's Other Syndrome

2008-08-15T04:01:00.000-07:00

The other day while watching Michael Phelps (and the rest of the US men's relay team) smash another world-record and earn another Gold in the 4x100 relay, my seven-year-old son Jakob said "Dad, I think Michael Phelps has Marfan Syndrome."

I laughed and said, "well Jakob, he does have our ears, and that is does seem to be a requirement of being a world-class swimming athlete...so maybe you're destined for greatness."

Then last night on NBC they were doing all the physical stats on Phelps. Height, shoe size, wingspan, flexibility, etc., and I though...maybe Jakob IS right and did an Internet search. I found an article that from a Cleveland paper that reported that Phelps did have Marfan Syndrome.

I love how the Internet gives you the ability to find lists of famous people with connective tissue disorders.

Google to the rescue. Michael Phelps DOES have Marfan Syndrome (according to Google).

However, I guess we will never know if Abraham Lincoln could have been -- just maybe -- if born in a different era, a world-class relay swimmer.

Would old Abe have called it a four x five score relay?

My one wish, I guess, would also be to know definitively if Osama Bin Ladin has Marfan Syndrome.

If Osama were caught alive in the mountains of Pakistan, I would love to see the guy dropped into an Olympic-sized pool next to Michael Phelps.

Tell him we'd let him go if he beat Phelps in the 100 meter butterfly. If he has Marfans he might just have 1 in 5000 chance, and I like those odds.

"Cheesus" Made It

2008-07-30T22:53:00.000-07:00

God smiles upon Pepsi.

Pepsi as you know owns Frito-Lay which makes Cheetos. And, apparently, corn-based, cheese-flavored, carb-heavy snacks are the New World's Sinai of divine revelation...if you live in Missouri.

Why, oh why does this constitute news?

One cynical view is the MSM has a huge bias against religion. Oh the long-tail FoxNews grabbed when they discovered that wacky lady (with more indulgent friends and family than sense) in middle America who sees GOD in the impulse snack aisle. Some well-pressed, local television producer (with only a Presidential election, a congressional scandal, a recession, a housing crisis, two dynamic wars, Israel/Iran, Russia, China, and the Olympics to cover) just finished reading Chris Hitchen's recent book God is Not Great or the Dawkins' God Delusion and thought... "oh you silly believers...look at what you do? Look how absurd faith, hope and charity is..."

A second cyncial view is that the MSM really is just that indulgent and incompetent. Issues like debt, education, politics, etc., are hard to cover, and not very sexy but dammit, we can get a ton of clicks out of "Cheesus" in Missouri. That story has LEGS.

Ted Stevens?

That's so Sunday Talk shows demographic, we want the Chester Cheetos demographic. Hell, we want the Pepsi sponsorship too. A definite win win. Send a camera out there before CNN catches on.

My final cynical view is that for most Americans our faith has become JUST that superficial and stupid. St. Augustine would be freaking out at the baseness of our narcissistic, and pareidolian devotions. Really Sir? You see God in an X-ray, rust stain, burnt tortilla, cat spot, or garage door?

I guess I'll repent and be less flippant when I open that next Doritos bag and come face to face with the seven horsemen of the Apocalypse covered in a cheese-flavored powder. No one knows the day of his arrival except PEPSI.

Religous Rhetoric

2008-07-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

Georgetown's Berkley Center for Religion, Peace & World Affairs has a database that tracks the religious rhetoric of the 2008 presidential campaign.

According the website, "The Faith 2008 Database tracks religious rhetoric in the campaign by candidate and theme, and features historical and international comparisons."

You've gotta admire the energy and optimism of those Georgetown Jesuits. Not only are they celibate, but they also now are saddled with trying to organize and make rhetorical sense out the frequent references to religion in modern politics.

St. Ignatius Loyola somewhere, should be proud of their devotion because after fifteen minutes of Fox News I'm usually on the edge willing to abandon all hope, charity AND faith.

Movie criticism is dead

2008-07-19T09:42:00.000-07:00

Movie critics have moved into the realm of the hack opinion pages of modern papers. The corporations that run the MSM have basically consolidated the critics through syndication. Less critics, less critical mass, less risk, less brillaince.

There are still the movie elites that explain the art-house and foreign fair we should enjoy. There are the movie priests who forgive us for our carnal indiscretions. There's still the movie militia who guard us and our children against the dangerous waters of political incorrectness, rudeness, misogyny, or other form of artistic extremism.

The mileposts haven't changed in years, but they've just become more and more worn down, over-edited, pasteurized, predictable, and dull. They are made for E-News and Inside Edition.

Just like there is a natural hierarchy to doctors. The smart ones end up in well-paying jobs that require fewer hours and less paperwork -- aka Dermatology and the dumb ones end up in pediatrics. There is a natural hierarchy to journalist as well, with the most unskilled and unaware journalists (the ones also most easily propagandized), in an inverted food chain, ending up at the bottom tip -- critiquing movies.

A great example is Stephanie Zacharek's recent review of The Dark Knight. She doesn't understand the director, the film, or even the audience. She simply recognizes that there is a dearth of negative reviews, so in order to drive attention to her article, she writes a formulaic critique.

I am willing to forgive a critic of missing the point if she at least nails the writing. She does neither. It is sad, but this is probably the perfect encapsulation of what has become of Salon.com. I should have stopped reading the drivel they produce years ago.

omne ignotum per obscaenum

2008-07-19T04:59:00.001-07:00

I was recently reading an interview with William H. Gass and an review of William Gaddis' (p st-hy mə n-nə sly) published Agapē Agape.

My literary friend and sounding board Keith could probably pronounce the book's title better than me (actually probably is certainly false since he did JUST the other day pronounce it better than me), since I am fairly ignorant of Greek pronunciations (hell I'm fairly ignorant of English pronunciations too).

Keith is better educated and has certainly hung with a higher class of people. I must have missed the class or classes on phonemics during grade school. I flunked phonics.

My point is I hack most 'quarter words' or bigger. I know what they mean, can use them correctly in a sentence, but when I speak them...I hack the pronunciation.

I'll stress the wrong syllable. I'll miss a critical letter. I'll stress a phantom consonant. I don't know if it's laziness, speed reading, an overdeveloped dependence on reading books combined with less time talking out loud to anyone with a larger vocabulary than the stars of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I don't know.

I'll probably end up in some literary hell (or at least a literary dungeon) for the Malaprops and Spooners and Aspirationists of the world. I'll end up bunkmates with Eliza Doolitle; accidentally impregnating her with a maldeformed pause (caused by ~~metal~~ mental fatigue). Just you == wait Enry Iggens. Jest you vait.

Anyway, that isn't the point of this post -- my point -- is both these men hate or hated literary prizes if I remember correctly. William H. Gass in an interview in the Believer once said that winning "the Nobel Prize, for instance, has destroyed many a career."

In Agapē Agape Gaddis warns "write what they want you'll end up with a Pulitzer Prize follow you right to the grave. Maybe won the Medal of Honor the George Cross even the Nobel but once you've been stigmatized with the ultimate seal of mediocrity your obit will read Pulitzer Prize Novelist Dies at whatever because they're not advertising the winner no."

And now, even pronunciation become mediocritized by our hyper-televised and celebrity-centric culture. There are fewer and fewer idiosyncratic accents like William F. Buckley's in the universe. They are streaking across the night sky and burning out.

There will be an eventual convergence of pronunciation too. Vocabularies will shrink and converge and libraries irreversibly disappear.

Personal bookshelves will dissipate

All we will have is the last, televised debate on what the correct definition AND pronunciation of is is.

And I won't watch. I'm not worried about literary prizes. I want the big one. I trying to get to a point past pulp neutrality. I would love to spend nothing on books but over time accumulate more and more books. My pulp neutrality achievement wouldn't be through sequestering myself away from books, but by offsetting and reducing the costs WHILE accumulating them.

I would be famous. It would be the literary equivalent of violating the law of conservation of energy. Entropy would end with my own library's "mixedupness." The Library of Congress would endlessly replicate itself in the strict confines of my home-office library.

Flat's the New Up

2008-07-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

In the 80s it was 'Win Win.' In the 90s it was "New New.' Now, the 00s has its own catchy business phrase according to Daniel Gross over at Newsweek. Flat's the New Up.

Whoever hired that PR man should get a raise...and give that new PR dude the corner office.

Oh, and let's go over the list of office catch phrases that didn't make this year's water cooler buzzphrase hall of shame:

"They still make buggy whips in Peshawar."

"Whose your Indymac daddy?"

"Greed is gooder"

"The still don't charge for Peanuts at PanAm"

"There should be no I in Marxism"

"For 3rd Shift, Daytime IS Primetime"

"At least now she gets half of nothin'"

"We owe too much to fail"

"Someone's gotta be making a profit"

"When it gets this bad, they can't pin it on anyone but God"

Codex Obama

2008-07-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

I just started a group over at Librarything.com called Codex Obama.

There was an article from July 6th over at Salon.com called Barack by the books all about the books and authors that influenced B.H.O..

I figured it would be fun to not only list the books that he is known to have read, enjoyed, etc., but also to list topically the books that he should read.

Let me know what you think...

Dec 21, 2012 - I.T.E.O.T.W.A.W.K.I.A.I.F.F.

2008-07-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

It's not just any winter solstice. It is THE winter solstice.

According to Mayan observations, 12/21/2012 was exactly one cycle from the initial date of the start of their civilization, 3113 B.C. (a cycle being completed in 5,125 years)

On Dec 21, 2012, the sun, "having received a powerful ray of synchronizing light from the center of the galaxy, would change its polarity which would produce a great cosmic event that would propel human kind to be ready to cross into a new era, 'The Golden Age.'"

Awesome. I love a civilization that doesn't hedge its bets.

Who cares about dependancy ratios...and screw privitization of social security, just tell everyone it doesn't matter anyway, because...

December 21, 2012 was also predicted by the likes of Merlin, the Book of Revelation and the Chinese oracle of the I Ching as the end of civilization.

And, and...(sorry this is so exciting)...The Web Bot Project, developed in the late 1990s to help make stock market predictions using a system of spiders to crawl the Internet and search for keywords, also came up with the same date.

Finally, not to add to these dire predictions, but that date is also Andy Dick's 47th birthday.

It's the End of the World As We Know it, And I feel Fine.

I Love Despair.com

2008-07-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, while hanging out with the wife and kids at the Chandler, AZ mall. Gosh it was empty. It reminded me, in a creepy way, of a Zombie movie. "Gee honey, where are all the people?"

Anyway, I ran into a girl wearing this shirt from Despair.com (DespairWear). Ooooh, so funny.

I remember buying my first Despair calendar almost 7 years ago during the last recession.

My wife says irony doesn't belong at work, so I've skuttled most of my impuses to cover my office walls with the demotivating posters, but someday...ha ha ha...someday, I will get my own personal paeon to the gods of Irony, Riddicule, and Pessimism and I will hang it behind my office desk for all to see.

Until then, I will put a picture of it on my blog where no one will see it.

Rob's Top Ten Recession-Proof Jobs

2008-07-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

During this period of economic uncertainty, we are all worried about the safety of our jobs and the portability of our skills.

Remember, even with no job growth, a slowing economy and troubled housing markets there is still a tin-lining in those gloomy clouds. The good news for job seekers is some employers are still hiring and certain, very specific, industries will survive (and some even thrive) during hard times.

Our website's devoted staff has done the leg work and come up with the most recession-proof jobs of 2008.

These are the industries that -- if you work in and your neighbor doesn't -- will make you truly value the hours you spent on Google looking up and understanding schadenfreude:

10. Customer Service: Especially customer phone support in Dehli.

9. International Business: Chinese product safety testing positions around the U.S.

8. Entertainment: Sell your dignity and join the cast of crappy/creepy reality TV show.

7. Health-care: The US desperately needs more pill pushers, suicide techs, & medicinal marijuana experts.

6. Marketing: Primarily MLM. If you can sell something of marginal value to a family member, please look no further, job guarantee earnings of $20,000/month working from home.

5. Environmental: Must have experience finding aluminum cans in large disposal bins, finding coins on the beach, and unwrapping copper from street lights, phone lines, and active air conditioning units.

4. Security: More and more Cat IVs are being hired by one of the largest security organizations in the world. With almost no discrimination in hiring for the US Army, opportunities are endless. The education and travel incentives with a wide variety of free-lunches make this an attractive place to work.

3. Law: Divorce, bankruptcy and real estate law are all thriving in this difficult economic period.

2. Entrepreneur: Start selling all that crap you accumulated during the good years with your very own Ebay business. Selling your vast assortment of Boats, ATVs, and that Yukon Denali with 1/8th a tank of gas will make you feel just as deleveraged as Donald Trump.

1. Religion: If no one else wants you, perhaps God is hiring.

Wax On Wax Off

2008-07-05T18:49:00.001-07:00

I love the delicious irony of it.

UPI is reporting that a controversial wax likeness of Hitler was attacked and beheaded by a protester Saturday only moments after the opening of a new Berlin branch of the Madame Tussauds wax museum.

I wonder what will happen to the waxen figure of Pol Pot when they open the Phnom Penh branch of the Madame Tussauds wax museum?

How will Tussaud protect the wax figure of Idi Amin when Kampala opens its African Center for Waxen Dictators? Will the Amin statue be edible; constructed of beeswax, soy, or paraffin wax or any other edible wax just in case?

Vote for Captain America

2008-07-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

A recent CNN poll found that most Americans believed that the founding fathers would be disappointed in the way our country has turned out.

Infact, 69 percent of adult Americans who responded to a poll June 26-29 said the signers of the Declaration of Independence would be disappointed by the way the nation has turned out overall.

My personal belief is that TJ is in a perpetual roll in his grave. He is underground at Monticello and spinning like my Jeep's axl on the freeway.

Even more interesting, however, the same poll also found that Forty-one percent of respondents said a candidate for President should always wear a flag pin. Really America?

Who gives a crap if our candidates are honest or sincere -- dammit they should wear a flag pin.

I think we could do better. It is my belief that all presidential candidates should wear a three-piece suit made out of Old Glory.

Let's get sewing.

It shows a real lack of jingoistic nationalism to NOT completely cover your pre-presidential body in the flag of our fathers. I mean head to toe people. If you are going to lead our country (THE BEST FREAKIN' NATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE) you better start by wearing our nation's colors...and by the time your are voted into office you better BLEED red, white and blue. Ben Franklin, George Washington, and TJ are depending on it.

I think Obama and McCain better start by just adopting Captain America's costume. That way no one can doubt their universal and unwavering support of spread-eagleism.

Snake Oil Policy

2008-07-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

Let me say right up front, I don't have any problem with drilling in the Alaskan Wildlife Reserves or offshore in California or Florida for that matter.

But come on people, the shrill calls for drilling all over is primarily a political slight of hand. It is political pandering at its worst. It is the same thing as suggesting a gas-tax holiday. It feels like we are doing something, but the real effect is minimal.

It is like taking a diet pill you bought late-night during one of those weak personal moments when you felt fat and there was nothing on TV except for an infomercial pimping an easy, painless way to loose 50lbs.

Stay with me. If you want to loose weight. Eat less and exercise. No magic pill, no secret Far-East lotion, no vibrating pillow is going to do the job for you. You have to be disciplined and actually work at it.

Back to Oil. Drilling in ANWR would add about 900,000 barrels a day to global oil production of 75 million barrels.

That is a drop in the bucket. IT would decrease oil prices by a percent or two. At current prices around 140 dollars per barrel, it becomes an obvious argument made not to solve the current problem, but maintain the status quo. The same economics apply to drilling offshore and a gas-tax holiday.

It is essentially late night pandering to ignorant voters. All of us who prefer to borrow and spend than save and spend. We who prefer those pills and pillows to sweat and less carbs. We who prefer pandering and gimmicks instead of change and effort.

Here's my suggestions for solving the oil problem.

1. First $4 per gallon gasoline creates a huge incentive for economic innovation, so first JUST DON'T get in the way of innovation.

2. Get aggressive on oil consumption in this country. Set aggressive standards both on makers of cars and on buyers of cars. Create an economic reason to motivate manufacturers to build better cars.

3. Manufacturers should be told to have all cars at 40 mpg (a minimum) by 2020.

4. Institute a graduated MPG tax (for example):

By 2020 we should be taxed a luxury tax if we register a car that gets less than 40 mpg.
By 2025 we should be taxed a luxury tax if we register a car that gets less than 50 mpg.
By 2030 we should be taxed a luxury tax if we register a car that gets less than 60 mpg.

5. Starting in 2015 we should be taxed a progressively higher tax on every car over 1 per family.

1st Car - free
2nd Car - $500
3rd Car - $1500
4th Car - $2500

6. All taxes should be used for developing domestic alternative energy sources (Wind, Solar, Nuclear, etc). Make gas more elastic.

7. Begin to change the way we plan and build our cities. Increase telecommuting, decrease commuting distances.

8. Buy less crap from China. Buying crappy, disposable stuff from China does two things. It weakens our dollar and it increases demand for oil in China, thus increasing global oil prices. Double whammy. I'm not a jingoist, but that's the reality. We can't have it both ways. We can't continue to buy cheap crap on credit from China and have cheap gas.

My Favorite Pix...ar(s)

2008-07-04T23:06:00.000-07:00

Just took the kids to see Wall-E, so now I reflect on my fav Pixar Flixs.

Here they are in order:

1. Finding Nemo (2003)
2. Wall-E (2008)
3. Ratatouille (2007)
4. Monsters, Inc. (2001)
5. The Incredibles (2004)
6. Toy Story 2 (1999)
7. Toy Story (1995)
8. A Bug's Life (1998)
9. Cars (2006)

It is amazing to think that the top 5 Pixar movies rank probably among my top 20 movies (of all types) of all time.

I think Finding Nemo is almost a perfect story.

A Man by Chance, A Father By Choice

2008-06-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

In honor of father's day, I thought I would pull a couple father-related comments on the role fathers play in making mankind more man than monkey.

The French anthropologist Maurice Godelier once commented that the parental role assumed by human males is a critical difference between human society and that of humans' closest biological relatives - chimpanzee and bonobos - who appear to be unaware of their "father" connection.

Margaret Mead a famous cultural anthropologist once said that “fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents.”

After reading those two academics, I can begin to understand my wife's frequent comment that somedays she thinks it is almost accidental that I am a man and not a monkey.

Anyway, Happy Father's day all you damn dirty apes.

Garfield Minus Garfield

2008-06-03T22:00:00.001-07:00

I know I'm usually the last to arrive (unfashionably late) at the cool, the hip, and the fashionable, but I do still find it. Anyway, I love Garfield Minus Garfield. I'm not a comic strip guy per-se, but do appreciate the post strip world (aka G-G and Nietzsche Family Circus).

"Flushing party, Present Arms"

2008-05-17T00:06:00.001-07:00

I recently read an interesting post at TNR (the New Republic) about:

a new, ecologically-friendly alternative to burial or cremation: dissolving bodies in lye. The process, which is called alkaline hydrolysis, yields a coffee-colored liquid and dry bone residue, similar in volume to that of cremation remains. Although the liquid smells heavily of ammonia, with a permit, it can pretty much be poured down the drain, taking up less space than burial, and producing less carbon emissions than cremation.

My thoughts? I'm very glad you asked. We've been flushing our dead fish for years and this seems like a perfect addition to the blackwater leaving our homes. The TNR article focuses on pouring the remains of the recently departed down the drain, but my preference would be to flush our forebears.

My dad was in the Navy and although he is constantly battling between his own inner romantic (left brain) and pragmatic (right brain) motivations. I just know he prefers cremation to burial so I also know that part of him would dig the immediate mental gymnastics and family turmoil that would be caused by alkaline hydrolysis followed by a flushing.

I certainly know I would. It functions well on so many different levels. For example:

First, it is extremely cheap; just stop, drop, dip, and flush.

Second, if services are held in a bathroom, around a porcelain toilet, it limits the participants to those most dedicated.

Third, the open-casket/closed-casket problem is simplified to just a seat up/seat down debate. "Would Robert have wanted us to lift the seat, flush his remains, then leave the seat up? Yes, knowing Robert's refusal to put the seat back down we all think he would have preferred exactly that way."

Fourth, it approximates burial at sea. From water we all came, and to water we must all return.

Fifth, the large amount of lye used for alkaline hydrolysis often leaves a nice commemorative ring in the bowl which can be easily removed -- when desired -- with vinegar and a little elbow grease. This flexibility allows families to mourn as fast or slow as they need.

Sixth, urns are awkward and cemeteries are rarely visited, but a toilet gets used by each family member an average of four times daily. Every time you sit, stand, or just go to the throne to get away and "think", you can ponder the good times and imagine your uncle/aunt/great-grandmama watching over you.

Seventh, Marcel Duchamp created one of the most lasting and influential pieces of sculpture in 1917. His famous urinal sculpture the Fountain, "beat out works by such icons as Pablo Picasso and Andy Warhol" in a 2004 survey of 500 leaders of the art world. Your family can have your very own porcelain masterpiece memorializing a family member and then instantly become the new artistic centerpiece of your "castle."

How the Democratic Primary Needs to Be Resolved!

2008-05-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

I think Japan has finally figured out a way to repay the US for their constitution, and I guess also for buying so many mid-priced automobiles and small trucks during the last 30-40 years. We could reform the democratic priamary system by adapting a democratic tetris contest. Winner, obviously takes all.

Points, I need MORE Points

2008-04-30T01:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a little while. I was too busy trying to gather points on Mybarackobama.com. No I'm serious, I only have 215 points, that's 71127th place (only 1 point more to move up) so I needed more points, look:

+1 Logged in on 04-28-2008 2008-04-28 23:26:09
+1 Logged in on 04-27-2008 2008-04-27 04:51:05
+5 Posted blog entry 'Numbers Racket: Why the Economy is Worse than We Know' 2008-04-26 12:25:19
+5 Posted blog entry 'Interference at the EPA' 2008-04-26 12:01:46
+1 Logged in on 04-26-2008 2008-04-26 11:43:29
+5 Posted blog entry 'This is What Happens When You Politicize the Military' 2008-04-25 22:58:23
+5 Befriended 'Michelle' 2008-04-25 22:54:05
+1 Updated profile 2008-04-25 03:29:47
+5 Joined group 'East Valley For Obama' 2008-04-25 03:16:08
+5 Joined group 'Mesa AZ for Obama' 2008-04-25 03:12:44
+5 Posted blog entry 'Art of Elections' 2008-04-25 03:06:58
+5 Posted blog entry 'Write Harry Mitchell (District 5) And Ask Him to Support Obama' 2008-04-25 02:24:38
+5 Posted blog entry 'Arizona Super Delegates' 2008-04-25 02:17:29
+5 Posted blog entry 'Obama and Patriotism' 2008-04-25 01:55:35
+5 Posted blog entry 'Goals for AZ Mormons for Obama' 2008-04-25 01:47:34
+1 Logged in on 04-25-2008 2008-04-25 01:33:35
+1 Logged in on 04-24-2008 2008-04-24 02:37:26

All this because I was pissed about Pennsylvania and the way the Clinton team has gone negative. I'm thinking of re-registering as an independent after this election, or hell, maybe I'll just de-register (do they still let you do that?).

I'm kinda fed up with representative democracy. Perhaps, I'll just sit on the sideline until an enlightened, and efficient despot takes over.

I'm just tired of the vulgar despotism of the media and the masses.

Freud would probably say all this stems from my own elitism. Yes, fellow Americans -- elitism. I would actually prefer if less people voted. I have no problem with a competitive democracy. We should have nationwide spelling bees or grammar brackets before the next election cycle and only those voters who win or can produce their old college SAT scores can vote.

Screw Indiana voter ID. I want Indiana voter IQ.

I don't care if you are black, white, man, woman, gay, straight, fat, skinny, poor or rich. I just want you to be half-way competent before you vote. I'm tired of my vote being canceled by some nincompoop in Pennsylvania that can't list at least 50 prepositions from memory. Ready, go:

above
about
across
after
against
along
amid
among
around
as
at
before
behind
below
beneath
beside
besides
between
beyond
but
by
concerning
down
during
except
for
from
in
inside
into
like
of
off
on
onto
outside
over
past
regarding
since
than
through
to
toward
towards
under
underneath
unlike
until
up
upon
with
within
without

Come on people. My seven-year old son can spit out all 43 presidents (complete with asides on who was assassinated, impeached, or who the fattest president). But no, unfortunately, he can't vote because he's only seven and apparently the Consitution limits voters because of age NOT ability.

So, fellow Americans please go pick up a grammar book and get your postérieur prosaïque off your American Idol couch and study up. The election is coming and if Obama loses to Hillary, I don't want it to be because we as a nation ended our sentences with a preposition or with a series of split infinitives.

To BOLDLY go!
To WISELY vote!
To PRUDENTLY be, or not To PRUDENTLY be...
that is the question I guess we are all left with.

The Hillary Deathwatch

2008-04-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

Kafka on the Shore

2008-04-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

My good friend, college roomate, and must-have lifeline for Who Wants to be a Millionaire just won the Kafka Society of America Prize for Emerging Scholars for his essay Kafka: Toward an Ethic of the Creaturely.

Keith is a professor of English at BYU.

To celebrate Keith's award... I will attempt to get from Keith to Kafka in six steps:

1. Keith Johnson - attended Boston University where Saul Bellow was a faculty member.

2. Saul Bellow wrote "Address by Gooley MacDowell to the Hasbeens Club of Chicago" for the Hudson Review in 1951. The HR was founded and edited by Frederick Morgan.

3. Frederick Morgan's Hudson Review published Edwin Muir's poem "The Animals" in 1952.

4. Edwin Muir in 1930 was hired by Max Brod and Knopf to translate Kafka's The Castle from German to English.

5. Max Brod was Kafka's close friend and executor of Kafka's estate.

6. Franz Kafka is Kafkaesque.

Mag Hag

2008-04-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of the magazines I would like to have sent to me in prison or while stuck on some island somewhere. These are, I guess, in some order (technically not really random but no real order either):

Book Nookie

2008-03-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

There's a great essay on literary deal breakers in last Saturdays New York Times.

Rachel Donadio interviews several writers on their personal experiences with books either ending a relationship or causing an unrepairable intellectual rift, etc.

You hear that your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other loves a certain author or book and whamo -- everything goes black. The magic is gone. Suddenly you realize it isn't a Greek god in the form of a swan that is working hard trying to get his bicameral congress on, but just some uninspired guy name Lou in a duck suit.

That Donadio's essay appeared in the NYTimes is situationally funny too (at least for me) because even referencing the New York Times is for some people a romance Rorschach test.

I tell my friends I read something in the New York Times, and they mention they get their news from FoxNews?

Sorry, deals off babe...we see the world in completely different ways. If we were related, I'd try and make it work, but for friendship or a relationship I just dunno.

My intellectual elitism will certainly just get in the way. After you finish your Captain Crunch and I finish my Muslix, it's probably time for us to part company forever...

The Audacity of Rope

2008-03-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know when I first fell in love with ropes and knots.

It may have been in Boy Scouts; during my trip to Australia for the World Jamboree where I practiced -- again and again -- my bowlines, figure eights, and sheet-bends so I could tie them all one handed and all in under 5 seconds.

Then again, it may have been watching my dad operating on a dog or cat suddenly tie a tayside, roeder, or blood knot suture with a surgeon's precision and confidence.

It may have been while learning to rock climb and rappel with my older brother when I was 15.

It may have been seeing those giant coils and lines of rope on the USS Wisconsin in Norfolk or in the old black and white pictures of my dad on the USS Bashaw.

Again, it matters not if it is twisted or braided. I'm a fan of all the natural fibers. I love hemp, linen, cotton, coir, jute and sisal all the same. I love the musty smell of rope, especially when it is wet. I love the sound rope makes when it is pulled, twisted and stretched.

Backyard Orchard

2008-03-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

I'm such a trend setter. I've been telling my wife for the last couple years that all I want in our back yard is an orchard.

No pool, no grass. Maybe a garden, but most definitely an orchard.

So far we've planted 2 apricot, 1 fuji apple, and an aprium.

Now, according to the NYTimes article Backyards, Beware: An Orchard Wants Your Spot, I've started another global trend.

Perhaps people will pick up on the bowtie wearing trend now as well.

I'm Not Really Falling: A Strategy for Holding the Zone

2008-03-13T20:50:00.000-07:00

In December I wrote about an article the NYTimes had on a dissociation strategy for running and my musings about its applicability to business, politics, etc.

Well, the NYTimes just put up another fine sports story on a new extreme sport with similar business/philosophical crossover appeal in their article 900 Feet Up With Nowhere to Go but Down.

The article explores highlining, a high-wire version of slacklining, which itself is, according to the NYTimes article, "an extreme cousin of tightrope walking in which no pole [is] used for balance and the rope [is] elastic, allowing for various tricks involving walking, sitting, lying down, flipping, even spinning hula hoops. BASE-jumping [is] an acronym used to describe parachuting from objects like buildings, towers, bridges and cliffs."

The article focuses on Dean Potter, one of the world’s top free climbers, and his recent attempts to cross the Hell Roaring Canyon on a rope with no tether 900 feet above a dry riverbed in Utah.

“Sport is all about being in the zone, when time and space stop and everything goes away,” said Beaver Theodosakis, the founder and president of prAna, the climbing apparel company that sponsors Potter. “Dean holds that zone for hours on end, when the mind can’t wander, when you can’t second-guess, when you have to be so confident and deliberate in your moves. Imagine in everyday life, if we could go to the office like that and not be distracted.”

Reading this article made me think of a couple things. First, I'm in a business with a fairly high failure rate. What I've noticed, is that in my business and other similar ventures, those that succeed aren't always the most talented, or the strongest, or most charismatic. However, they are the most focused and often this focus comes because they have everything to loose.

When I started my job, I started with no safety net. No tether. I was either going to succeed or I was going to fail. And if I failed, my family suffered. There is no better motivation than having your exit strategy removed. The only way for Dean Potter to free climb is to focus and keep climbing.

It also reminded me of a time when I was about 16. My family and I were on a Jeep safari in Moab, Utah and we were exploring around the top of Gemini bridges. We were walking back and forth accross the arch looking 200+ feet down to the valley below. All of a sudden, without discussion, my Aunt Lisa started running and jumped about 8 feet from one arch to the other arch.

View Larger Map

Knowing Lisa, she was also looking for the Zone; seeking for a moment of focus that comes from the space between "calm and terror."

Client Revolution Number 9

2008-03-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

"Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Number 9, Client Number 9..."

Somewhere. Right now. John Lennon is pissed. Number 9 belongs to John. The revolution was NOT supposed to be televised on FoxNews. The revolution was not supposed to cost $1000/hour.

"Never talk when you can nod," said Eliot "and never nod when you can wink," said Eliot "and never write an e-mail because it's death. You're giving prosecutors all the evidence we need," said Eliot.

You want some conspiracy theories? Here's some for you...

1. A biographer of John Lennon and the Beatles was named Bob Spitz.

2. Obviously both John and Eliot share an affinity for the number 9

3a. John Lennon lived and died in New York

3b. Governor Spitzer was the Governor of New York.

4. Both John Lennon and Eliot Spitzer were investigated by the FBI.

5a. Governor Spitzer could be prosecuted under the 1910 Mann Act–known at the time as the White-Slave Traffic Act.

5b. In 1972, Lennon released "Woman Is the Nigger of the World".

6a. John Lennon had trouble with the INS.

6b. Eliot Spitzer had political trouble after signing an executive order directing that state allow illegal aliens to be issued driver's licenses.

7. It is time for bed. I'll finish this later.

C OE X IS T

2008-03-01T20:52:00.001-08:00

A-B-C...Always Be Closing...Now Breathe!

2008-03-01T12:18:00.000-08:00

First Stephen R. Covey gave us Seven Habits, including one which included sharpening saws. Now Prosper Inc, from Provo, UT has introduced a whole new sales, leadership, and motivational technique...waterboarding.

According to a Salt Lake Tribune article, "A supervisor at a motivational coaching business in Provo is accused of waterboarding an employee in front of his sales team to demonstrate that they should work as hard on sales as the employee had worked to breathe."

Socrates, and David Mamet, would both be so proud.

A-B-C.

A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!!

Vote How I Say Not How I Groove!

2008-03-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

Recently, tacking against the Oprah endorsement machine, Ellen Degenerous recently endorsed Hillary Clinton.

This, however, is ironic given that Ellen's dancing with Barak probably solidified more votes for Obama than Ellen's verbal endorsement of Hillary did for Hillary's left-footed campaign.

Let me put it this way. I'm married, with two kids. I'm solidly religious, well educated, rational and not overly given to hype. I was political science student of the year at my alma mater (nurishing mother), wrote the political science paper of the year at the same university, and I had a Jimmy Kimmel/Ben Afflick moment when I saw Senator Obama dance with Ellen.

That's what we need. A president who is not only articulate and inspiring, but graceful, confident, nuanced and whose got his perpetual groove on.

You might be able to fake being a compassionate conservative or a working-class populist during a year-long campaign, but you can't fake cool. Just ask Miles Davis or Frank Sinatra.

Suicide is Painless...Even without Nitrous Oxide

2008-02-29T22:05:00.001-08:00

Here's a graphic you don't see everyday. Since being built in 1937, there have been approx. 1200 (through 2005) jumpers from the Golden Gate Bridge.

The graph/graphic on the left shows the frequency of where 833 of those who jumped made their final irreversible decision. Morbid, but very interesting. Thank you CONDÉ NAST PORTFOLIO (via rawnumber.com) Chart of the Day for turning morbid and depressing data into morbid and depressing information.

I was a little disturbed that so many jumpers (80 or almost 10 percent) from the gate didn't make the effort to jump from the bridge into the water. Isn't that the whole point of jumping off a bridge? If you were just going to jump onto land why not jump off the Transamerica Pyramid?

I also have to wonder how many of those squares were dentists?

Then I looked into an article written in Slate on the Economics of Suicide. Here is an interesting quote:

Marcotte’s study found that after people attempt suicide and fail, their incomes increase by an average of 20.6 percent compared to peers who seriously contemplate suicide but never make an attempt. In fact, the more serious the attempt, the larger the boost—”hard-suicide” attempts, in which luck is the only reason the attempts fail, are associated with a 36.3 percent increase in income. (The presence of nonattempters as a control group suggests the suicide effort is the root cause of the boost.)

According to this same study, there are "There are about 20 attempts for every successful suicide." So let's look at this rationally.

5 percent of all suicide attempts are successful. Therefore, 95 percent of suicide attempts fail.

Those who try and fail to kill themselves see a jump in their income by 20.6 percent compared to peers who seriously contemplate suicide but never make an attempt.

Those who fail because of just luck, aka "hard-suicide” attempts, are associated with a 36.3 percent increase in income.

According to Payscale, the Median Salary for a dentist with 9 - 19 years experience is $116,839.

According to the Straight Dope:

Dentists' odds of suicide "are 6.64 times greater than the rest of the working age population," writes researcher Steven Stack. "Dentists suffer from relatively low status within the medical profession and have strained relationships with their clients--few people enjoy going to the dentist." One study of Oregon dentists found that they had the highest suicide rate of any group investigated. A California study found that dentists were surpassed only by chemists and pharmacists. Of 22 occupations examined in Washington state, dentists had a suicide rate second only to that of sheepherders and wool workers.
So if we put this all together, what do we learn:

If a dentist tries suicide and fails their median salary could, on average, increase from $116,839 to $140,908 (a 20.6 percent increase).

B. If a dentist tries suicide and fails simply because of luck their median salary would, on average, jump from $116,839 to $159,252 (a 36.3 percent increase).

C. If a dentist tries and is successful their salary goes from $116,839 to zero. Since suicide only has a five percent success rate (assuming dentists aren't better at killing themselves than the general population) the net benefit from an attempt would be 95 percent of $140,908 or $133,863. Which is a $17,023 increase in yearly salary. And that isn't counting those dentists who fail because of luck.

Ipso facto

We all know that dentists go into their profession because of money, but now we know that they try to kill themselves for money as well.

Another Great Article on the 173rd

2008-02-28T21:17:00.001-08:00

Last Sunday's New York Times Magazine had a great piece on the 173rd. This one, titled Battle Company is Out There details Captain Kearney and the soldiers under his command in the Korengal River valley of Afghanistan.

Previously, I noted that there was another great article written by Sebastian Junger in January 2008's Vanity Fair, titled Into the Valley of Death. Junger's piece detailed the exploits of 2nd Platoon with Second Bat of the 503rd Infantry Regiment (airborne).

It is amazing to read the last few paragraphs of Junger's article which detail Battle Company's air assault on the Abas Ghar, which happened a couple weeks after Junger left.

Rubin's article in the New York Times Magazine comes with photos of the same soldiers during the same assault against Abas Ghar.

It was also fascinating for me, personally, to see another journalist's take on what those who came after the 1oth Mountain Division are still facing daily in Afghanistan. It has only been 7 months since my little brother was an 11B in Afghanistan with the 10th Mountain Division, and although he is pretty open about sharing his experiences, it is important for me to understand it as much as possible.

Just Finished, Now it's DECON Time.

2008-02-27T23:46:00.000-08:00

I just finished the Hot Zone and I've just canceled any future caving trips to Kenya. Scared me and Scarred me. Scarring me is easy to do, scaring me was more difficult. I now can't decide if it is Bird Flu or Ebola Zaire that will send me to my maker.

My dad is a Veterinarian and was a public health officer in the US Air Force around the time this book came out (and knows both Col Jerry Jaax and Col Nancy Jaax), so reading it gave me a whole new appreciation and understanding of the more extreme and disturbing things pops could have been asked to do (but thankfully never did).

This book is one of many many new new journalism books I've found myself fascinated by recently. Junger, McPhee, Krakauer, Bowden, Gladwell, Conover, etc. I love them all. I tend to be a little OC about what I like. Currently, I'd rather read a good piece of new new journalism than a great piece of fiction. I'm sure I'll recover, overcome, and the pendulum will swing in another direction, but for now I'll just keep scrounging for my fix at BN, Amazon, or whoever is selling the good stuff cheap that day.

What I'm Currently Reading, Pt 2

2008-02-27T23:05:00.000-08:00

1. Misquoting Jesus by Bart D. Ehrman
2. Fire by Sebastian Junger
3. Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts
4. Born to Kvetch by Michael Wex

1. I just started this one.
2. I love Mr Junger's other writing. Nice thing about this book is it is a collection of some of his best published magazine articles. I love the chapter 'The Lion in Winter' about Afghanistan's Afghan guerrilla leader Ahmad Shah Massoud and 'Blow Up' about the tragic Storm King Mountain fire near Glenwood Springs, Colorado. I was serving as a Mormon missionary in Glenwood Springs at the time of this fire, so his perspective on it was fascinating.
3. My little brother turned me onto this book and a good friend of mine recently bought it for me. I've started it a couple times, but refuse to let it become my next Gravity's Rainbow, Europe Central, Gold Bug Variations or Ada. AHHHHH the list is even longer, but I'll stop my literary self-loathing at 4 unfinished novels thank you. I WILL begin a work of fiction that is 900 pages plus and finish the meal thank you very much. Skeptics be damned. And yes, Keith, I am aware that GR is only 760 pages. All I need is another friend to donate a week of peace and tranquility, and I'll conquer it.
4. Almost finished with it and I love it. It has made reading the Old Testament a whole new contextual experience for me...I see kvetching now everywhere I look...and I loooooove it. One of my favorite quotes from Mr Wex is "If the Stones’ ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’ had been written in Yiddish, it would have been called ‘(I Love to Keep Telling You That I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction (Because Telling You That I’m Not Satisfied Is All that Can Satisfy Me.)'"

Wing Nut

2008-02-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

My family is prone to nick names. It's possibly related to my incapacity to ever sing the original lyrics to any song I hear. With most songs, I'd rather just improvise jazz-style. Who knows, it might be that my nickname impulse and my improvisation impulse are just Siamese twins from the same self-centered need to control, create, own or twist something.

Anyway, my little brother spent the whole of his terrible twos burdened with the name "Chubba." My sister Marrianne, will forever be "Mare." Nicole, my wife's sister was called "Buddha" until she was about ten. I’ve even pushed it on my progeny. My kids don't call my father-in-law grandpa, but rather "the Colonel" or even "the Bishop."

I always thought I had personally escaped my family's pseudonym folly. This was the case because most was initiated or perpetuated by me, and just like our family photos, I made sure I was the one behind the lens, not actually in the photograph.

A few years ago, however, in a nostalgic family dinner my old nickname was uncovered or unscrewed rather. Apparently, when I was two, my father would affectionately refer to me as "wing nut." Funny part is I love it. It's a perfect nom de plume -- short, pithy, and cute but with a little ego sting aftertaste. Aesthetically, it is a perfect nickname.

Unfortunately, no matter how often I suggest it, most of my own family is still just content to call me Rob, Bob, Bert or Roberto. Try as I might, I can't leverage or twist my family into calling me “wing nut” anymore. So, screw them, I'll do it myself.

In Memoriam: President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910-2008)

2008-01-29T20:14:00.000-08:00

President Hinckley passed away two days ago, and I've been thinking a lot about his ministry, life, and testimony. I recently re-listened to his last conference address, given Oct 7, 2007.

It is fitting that his last conference talk would summarize his testimony of Joseph Smith and the Restoration.

The Stone Cut Out of the Mountain

Now, my brothers and sisters, we live with an interesting phenomenon. A soloist sings the same song again and again. An orchestra repeats the same music. But a speaker is expected to come up with something new every time he speaks. I am going to break that tradition this morning and repeat in a measure what I have said on another occasion.

The Church has become one large family scattered across the earth. There are now more than 13 million of us in 176 nations and territories. A marvelous and wonderful thing is coming to pass. The Lord is fulfilling His promise that His gospel shall be as the stone cut out of the mountain without hands which would roll forth and fill the whole earth, as Daniel saw in vision (see Daniel 2:31–45; D&C 65:2). A great miracle is taking place right before our eyes.

I take you back 184 years to the year 1823. The month was September—the night of September 21–22, to be exact.

The boy Joseph Smith had prayed that night before going to sleep. He asked the Lord for forgiveness of his light-mindedness. A miraculous thing then happened. He says:

“While I was thus in the act of calling upon God, I discovered a light appearing in my room, which continued to increase until the room was lighter than at noonday, when immediately a personage appeared at my bedside. . . .

“He called me by name, and said unto me that he was a messenger sent from the presence of God . . . and that his name was Moroni; that God had a work for me to do; and that my name should be had for good and evil among all nations, kindreds, and tongues, or that it should be both good and evil spoken of among all people” (Joseph Smith—History 1:30, 33).

The boy must have been stunned by what he heard. In the eyes of those who knew him, he was simply a poor, unlearned farm boy. He had no wealth. His neighbors were in the same condition.

His parents were struggling farmers. The area where they lived was rural and largely unknown. They were simply ordinary people trying to survive through hard work.

And yet an angel of God said that Joseph’s “name should be had for good and evil among all nations, kindreds, and tongues.” How could it be? That description fits the entire world.
Now, as we look back 177 years to the organization of the Church, we marvel at what has already happened. When the Church was organized in 1830 there were but six members, only a handful of believers, all residing in a largely unknown village. Today, we have become the fourth or fifth largest church in North America, with congregations in every city of any consequence. Stakes of Zion today flourish in every state of the United States, in every province of Canada, in every state of Mexico, in every nation of Central America and throughout South America.

Congregations are found throughout the British Isles and Europe, where thousands have joined the Church through the years. This work has reached out to the Baltic nations and on down through Bulgaria and Albania and other areas of that part of the world. It reaches across the vast area of Russia. It reaches up into Mongolia and all down through the nations of Asia into the islands of the Pacific, Australia, and New Zealand, and into India and Indonesia. It is flourishing in many of the nations of Africa.

Our general conferences are carried by satellite and other means in 92 different languages.
And this is only the beginning. This work will continue to grow and prosper and move across the earth. It must do so if Moroni’s promise to Joseph is to be fulfilled.

This work is unique and wonderful. It is fundamentally different from every other body of religious doctrine of which I know.

When Jesus walked the earth, He said, “This is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent” (John 17:3).

Joseph, when he was 14 years of age, had an experience in that glorious First Vision that was different from any other recorded experience of any man. At no other time of which we have any record have God our Eternal Father and His Beloved Son, the risen Lord, appeared on earth together.

At the time of the baptism of Jesus by John in the river Jordan, the voice of God was heard, but He was not seen. At the Mount of Transfiguration, again the voice of God was heard, but there is no record of His appearance. Stephen saw the Lord on the right hand of the Father, but They did not address or instruct him.

Following His Resurrection, Jesus appeared to the Nephites in the Western Hemisphere. The voice of the Almighty was heard three times, introducing the risen Christ, but there was no appearance of the Father.

How truly remarkable was that vision in the year 1820 when Joseph prayed in the woods and there appeared before him both the Father and the Son. One of these spoke to him, calling him by name and, pointing to the other, said, “This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!” (Joseph Smith—History 1:17).

Nothing like it had ever happened before. One is led to wonder why it was so important that both the Father and the Son appear. I think it was because They were ushering in the dispensation of the fulness of times, the last and final dispensation of the gospel, when there would be gathered together in one the elements of all previous dispensations. This was to be the final chapter in the long chronicle of God’s dealing with men and women upon the earth.
Following the Savior’s death, the Church He had established drifted into apostasy. Fulfilled were the words of Isaiah, who said, “The earth also is defiled under the inhabitants thereof; because they have transgressed the laws, changed the ordinance, broken the everlasting covenant” (Isaiah 24:5).

Realizing the importance of knowing the true nature of God, men had struggled to find a way to define Him. Learned clerics argued with one another. When Constantine became a Christian in the fourth century, he called together a great convocation of learned men with the hope that they could reach a conclusion of understanding concerning the true nature of Deity. All they reached was a compromise of various points of view. The result was the Nicene Creed of A.D. 325. This and subsequent creeds have become the declaration of doctrine concerning the nature of Deity for most of Christianity ever since.

I have read them all a number of times. I cannot understand them. I think others cannot understand them. I am sure that the Lord also knew that many would not understand them. And so in 1820, in that incomparable vision, the Father and the Son appeared to the boy Joseph. They spoke to him with words that were audible, and he spoke to Them. They could see. They could speak. They could hear. They were personal. They were of substance. They were not imaginary beings. They were beings tabernacled in flesh. And out of that experience has come our unique and true understanding of the nature of Deity.

No wonder that when Joseph in 1842 wrote the Articles of Faith he stated as number one, “We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost” (Articles of Faith 1:1).

As all of you well know, there followed through the years a veritable “cloud of witnesses,” as Paul described prophetically (see Hebrews 12:1).

First came Moroni with the plates from which was translated the Book of Mormon. What a singular and remarkable thing this was. Joseph’s story of the gold plates was fantastic. It was hard to believe and easy to challenge. Could he have written it of his own capacity? It is here, my brothers and sisters, for everyone to see, to handle, to read. Every attempt to explain its origin, other than that which he gave, has fallen of its own weight. He was largely unschooled; and yet, in a very brief time, he brought forth the translation which in published form comes to more than 500 pages.

Paul declares that “in the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established” (2 Corinthians 13:1).

The Bible had stood for centuries. It is a precious and wonderful book. Now there was a second witness declaring the divinity of Christ. The Book of Mormon is the only book ever published, of which I know, that carries in it a promise that one who reads it prayerfully and asks concerning it in prayer will have revealed to him by the power of the Holy Ghost a knowledge that it is true (see Moroni 10:4).

Since its first publication in a rural print shop in Palmyra, New York, there have been more than 133 million copies produced. It has been translated into 105 languages. Not long ago it was named one of the 20 most influential books ever published in North America.
Recently a first edition sold for $105,000. But the cheapest paperback edition is as valuable to the reader who loves its language and message.

Through all of these years critics have tried to explain it. They have spoken against it. They have ridiculed it. But it has outlived them all, and its influence today is greater than at any time in its history.

In this series of events came next the restoration of the priesthood, bestowed by resurrected beings who held it when the Savior walked the earth. This occurred in 1829, when Joseph was only 23.

Following receipt of the priesthood, the Church was organized on the 6th of April, 1830, when Joseph was a young man not yet 25. Again, the organization is unique and different from that of traditional Christianity. It is largely operated by a lay ministry. Voluntary service is its genius. As it has grown and spread abroad, thousands upon thousands of faithful and able men have directed its efforts.

Today I stand in wonder at the marvelous things which God revealed to His appointed prophet while he was yet young and largely unknown. The very language of these revelations is beyond the capacity of even a man of great learning.

Scholars not of our faith, who will not accept our singular doctrines, are puzzled by the great unrolling of this work, which is touching the hearts of people across the earth. We owe it all to Joseph the Prophet, the seer and the revelator, the Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, who was foreordained to come forth in this generation as an instrument in the hands of the Almighty in restoring to the earth that which the Savior taught when He walked the roads of Palestine.

To you, this day, I affirm my witness of the calling of the Prophet Joseph, of his works, of the sealing of his testimony with his blood as a martyr to the eternal truth. Each of you can bear witness of the same thing. You and I are faced with the stark question of accepting the truth of the First Vision and that which followed it. On the question of its reality lies the very validity of this Church. If it is the truth, and I testify that it is, then the work in which we are engaged is the most important work on the earth.

I leave with you my testimony of the truth of these things, and I invoke the blessings of heaven upon you. May the windows of heaven be opened and blessings showered upon you as the Lord has promised. Never forget that this was His promise and that He has the power and the capacity to see that it is fulfilled. I so pray as I leave my blessing and love with you in the sacred name of our Redeemer, even the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.

David vs Goliath

2008-01-24T23:11:00.000-08:00

So Huckabee has Chuck Norris, I can dig that. I love The Chuck too. I've got the blue Chuck shirt. I've been to the web page. I understand...reallyI do. I even kinda dig the whole Reagan 80s nostalgia/kitsch thing.

However, the Republicans have now taken the 80s Reagan era hostility to Détente a little too far. The Gipper may have been elected on a platform generally opposed to the concessions of Détente and the SALT II Treaty , but the escalation dominance maneuvers of the Republican Presidential field in last night's debate made me miss Reagan's diplomatic skills. Talk about one-up-manship.

Not to be outdone by Huckabee's strategic relationship with The Chuck, McCain, in last night's debate, busted out with his own master of 80s action film disaster -- Sylvestor Stallone.

According to CNN, McCain responded to accusations about his age made not by Huckabee, but by Proxy Chuck, by saying:

"Now that Sylvestor Stallone has endorsed me, I'm sending him over to take
care of Chuck Norris right away."

Let the rush for 80s action stars begin. Political consultants, get ready... Get get... Go get 'em.

Is Giuliani going to secure Van Damme? Who is Governor Arnold going to endorse?

It is escalation dominance time. I hope you early primary state voters are paying attention, the writer's may be on strike, but reality television is still going strong. The ultimate Presidential Death Match has just begun. Proxy vs Proxy. Man vs. Man.

If I was Romney's campaign manager, here is how I would use this to my advantage.

I would seek the endorsement of a 14 year old boy. A relatively unknown actor. A youth, previously untested against these 1980s Goliaths.

Hurry get Mitt a 14-year-old Jewish boy named David to stand behind him at campaign events.

Maybe Mitt's handlers could get David Levi from the Naked Brother's Band. It would attract young, hip Nick watching voters (they could be the next Soccer Moms), Jewish voters, plus people would be confused by whether Mitt was making a veiled reference to Joseph Smith or to David and Goliath.

Mitt could use his flip and flop rep to his advantage. He could use David to appeal to both to his natural Mormon base AND get those fantastically wealth Jewish Florida voters to help fill his coffers. He might even peal a couple evangelical voters away from Huckabee since David and Goliath is IN the bible.

David might be in the Old Testament, but He is still in THE BOOK. Right? It would be a bold move, but come on Mitt, be bold. Go after the endorsement of the Naked Brothers Band.

If they are unavailable you might be able to get Ricky Schroeder to endorse you. He's not 14 anymore, but he was REALLY popular when he was 14. And all those 14 year old girls are now in the 30s. Plus I think Rick could probably take down both Sly and Chuck.

Anyway, just a thought.

Mitt in 5769!

2008-01-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

"Oy Mitt, You should have a big, well-stocked store, and what you do have your customers shouldn't ask for and they should ask for what you don't have!"

Actually, although I'm currently not planning on voting for Mitt, even though he's a good brother, I do like him and well...like this picture.

I'm also about half way through the book, Born to Kvetch and figured that the curse at the top seemed to be a pretty good match with the fabulous picture from Florida from the New York Times.

A Scout is Trustworthy...

2008-01-12T09:39:00.001-08:00

A quick note, or a disclaimer really:

I earned my Eagle Scout award back when I was 13. I also went to the 16th World Jamboree in Sydney, Australia back in 1987 (where I limboed lower than the other 14,434 scouts).

I've served as an Assistant Scoutmaster, a Scoutmaster, an Assistant District Commissioner, and on several other various and often sundry scouting committees. I've raised money for scouts and given money to scouts.

I think Scouting is superb when it is focused on helping young men with their physical, mental and spiritual development.

I think, however, occasionally Scouting goes a little adrift. Let me just summarize my current gripes:

Propaganda:

In Great Britain, according to an article I just read in the UK's Daily Mail scouting recently added a couple new merit badges. Included is a merit badge for imagination and another for ... get this ... public relations.

Public relations? Really? Couldn't they have come up with a more creative badge name for it? How about:

Spin Aid
Ambiguity Survival
Euphemism Management
Cherry Picking
Propaganda Preparedness
Hidden Agenda

Politics:

To make matters worse, and closer to home, in 2006 the BSA in Los Angeles adopted a Respect Copyrights activity patch (an activity patch is similar to a merit badge that doesn't count for much).

New Scout Oath:
"On my honor, I will do my best to watch lots of movies and to suck up to
the MPAA."
In 2006, according to the New York Times, Hong Kong's government used Scouts to "search Internet discussion sites for illegal copies of copyrighted songs and movies, and report them to the authorities."

New Scout Slogan:
"Rat out a neighbor Daily"
Currently, if you look at the stats, the most unpopular current merit badge offered by Boy Scouts of America is American Labor with only 582 Boy Scouts earning that Merit Badge in 2006.

Presentation:

Personally, I'm not a big fan of the 1980 Oscar de la Renta designed "Class A" scout uniform for BSA. I think it's expensive, uncomfortable, unbecoming, and frumpy. Perhaps I'm just nostalgic for the dough boy outfits of the 30s, but the redesign which removed "most vestiges of military flavor" from the uniform, for me just removed the flavor.

Occasionally, I tell my wife that Boy Scouts should adopt a more tolerant attitude towards homosexuality, just so that Queer Eye for the Straight Guy can get a hold of the uniforms. Wool pants and black turtlenecks would make the 21st century scouts look spiffy, and I'm sure Carson Kressley would probably still spend under $140 for the uniforms.

So anyway -- there you have it. My basic belief is Boy Scouts does a superb job at teaching Camping, Cooking, and Citizenship skills (let's call it the three C's), but is awful at the three P's (Propaganda, Politics, and Presentation).

10 Movies that Have Burned Me.

2008-01-02T00:20:00.000-08:00

Most of my family and friends know I really enjoy movies. Most of my family and friends have also, unfortunately, had a bad movie experience with me. Over the recent Christmas holiday, my sister and my wife ganged up on me and confronted me with a list of my worst movie picks and/or poorest movie timings. Here's a rough cut:

Taking Jeni on a date to see David Lynch's Lost Highway almost ended our engagement and damned our entire relationship. Jeni was extremely uncomfortable throughout the entire movie, as was I, but darn it...I paid for the movie and we were going to finish it.

Marrianne walked out of a David Lynch screening that my college roommate and I were having of Blue Velvet. I believe her words were, before she slammed the door to our apartment, "I'm sorry I'm not intelligent enough to be entertained by that S#i%."

Both Marrianne and Jeni walked out of High Fidelity. Matt, my brother and I stayed.

Jeni, shortly after our marriage, walked out of Election.

My senior year at BYU, I recommended to Jeni and my friends in college that they watch Aronofsky's Pi. I ran into them both last year at a Border's bookstore and they made a point of telling me how bizarre the movie was.

Jason, my brother-in-law remembers me renting La Bamba for him and I to watch at a sleep over at his house when we were 14. His mom and dad felt very uncomfortable about us watching the rape scene, so we watched Man from Snowy River instead.

My mom occasionally brings up how when I was nine or ten, my cousins and I convinced my dad that watching First Blood after our giant Thanksgiving extended family meal would be a good idea. She feels we crippled the spirit of that 1983 family get together.

My dad made Jeni and I turn off Heathers one night when she was visiting our house in Bitburg. He was bothered by all the language. So we took Dad's suggestion and watched Silence of the Lambs instead.

Ironically, years later we returned the favor when we told my father that he couldn't watch Hannibal with our three-year-old son Jakob.

Jeni and I had to walk out of, surprisingly, Joseph Smith The Prophet of the Restoration, because Emmeline and Jakob were both so disturbed by images of the prophet Joseph being tarred and feathered that they started to cry.

Again, I'm sure this won't be the end of my list. With two kids and a wife and plenty of new, unaware friends and new movies coming out weekly, I've got plenty of material to work with.

20 More Places to See Before I Die

2008-01-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

January's Smithsonian Magazine lists "28 Places to See Before You Die."

So far, I've seen eight of the twenty eight. I'm 1/7 of the way. In terms of 6 feet under, I'm about 10.28 inches and still digging.

I'm not doing so hot on the Feats of Engineering or Matter of Timing categories, but I am rocking Triumphs of Vision. Obviously, the places I've been are the ones in red.

Portals into the Past

Feats of Engineering

A Matter of Timing

Triumphs of Vision

Scale New Heights

In the Presence of Gods

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow?

Think Baby Think!

2008-01-01T10:13:00.000-08:00

One of my 2008 resolutions is I am officially not going to discuss politics with:

Republicans who can't list three policies of G.W. Bush that they really disagree with; three policies of the Clinton administration that they think were wise and prudent.
Democrats who can't list three policies of the G.W. Bush that they think are wise and prudent; and three major policy mistakes of the Clinton administration.
Libertarians who can't list three things our government should actually provide for us and then appropriately tax us for.

I'm just tired of most discussions and debates being just clichéd, soundbyte regurgitations of various political ideologues. I want a discussion with someone who can actually a) think for themselves, b) adapt to errors in their own logic, c) entertain other possibilities of truth. For me someone whose beliefs are so wrapped up into a party or other person is not worth having much of a conversation with.

“The average man never really thinks from end to end of his life. The mental
activity of such people is only a mouthing of clichés.” - H.L. Mencken

“During my eighty-seven years I have witnessed a whole succession of
technological revolutions. But none of them has done away with the need for
character in the individual or the ability to think.” - Bernard Baruch
“True wisdom is less presuming than folly. The wise man doubteth often, and changeth his mind; the fool is obstinate, and doubteth not; he knoweth all things but his own ignorance.” - Akhenaton

9 Things I'm Currently in OCD Mode Over:

2007-12-20T18:52:00.000-08:00

1. The Week - Mare introduced me to this gem...oh oh oh crap another subscription

2. Bow ties - OK, so now I own eight & I can tie them without a mirror, but they do so favor me...

3. Parley P. Pratt - They don't build polymaths like they used to.

4. John McPhee - Whoever says writing can't be "perfected" hasn't read McPhee.

5. Librarything.com - Another outlet for my compulsion to organize and label everything.

6. Grilled Wonton Chicken Salad - To be served at my wake/my funeral and anytime I want it.

7. Google Books - free online books

8. alt.country - so 1990s, but I do love me some good ol' Wilco, Cowboy Junkies, Jayhawks and Uncle Tupelo

9. Interdisciplinarity - Let's season my econ with psychology, mythology, and scatology

The Nietzsche Family Circus

2007-12-14T18:58:00.000-08:00

I never thought the family circus was funny until now...and now I'm a sad addict:

http://www.losanjealous.com/nfc/perm.php?c=37&q=63

A Fagot for the Witch's Brat

2007-12-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

“A halter
For the gallows rogue,
A fagot
For the witch’s brat.”

I recently was asked to speak for periods 1 and 2 in a high school anatomy class on Marfan syndrome. One part of the discussion we had was on how it is typical of groups of people with certain diseases or syndromes to seek legitimation by globbing onto famous people with their disease. AIDS has Magic Johnson. Parkinson's has Michael J Fox and Muhammad Ali . Erectile dysfunction has Bob Dole .

They are all legitimizers, fabulous fund-raisers; mythical gods for whatever constellation of disabilities or disorders sets you apart from the masses.

It helps you feel a little less alone knowing that Muhammad Ali also has Parkinson's. It legitimizes your own impatience with I.B.S. when Linda Carter steps up to the podium and even Wonder Woman after a constipated pause at a NYC luncheon declares -- ''Sometimes people go two, three, four days, without. . . .''

So, I proceed to list for the class those famous people that either have been diagnosed with Marfan syndrome, or that many speculate may have HAD Marfan syndrome.

Robert Johnson
Joey Ramone
Jonathan Larson
Niccolò Paganini
Rachmaninoff
Mary Queen of Scots
Akhenaton
Charles de Gaulle
Abraham Lincoln
Osama Bin Laden

My punch line is that although there is no definitive proof that Osama has Marfan's, there has been some speculation to that end.

Imagine the money that the National Marfan Foundation could raise if Uncle Osama were to secretly send his next video to Al Jazeera and declare:

America, you mindless infidels. I stand here and tell you that while you sleep comfortably in your comfy pillow-topped beds, it sparked in my mind that the infidels seek to claim exclusive ownership over a syndrome called Marfan Syndrome. I make this video in a remote cave which causes me to duck quite often and hurts my head when I forget to duck, and I claim this syndrome for myself.

If Bush says we are the ones that hate the the tall, flexible and gangley, let him tell us why we are the ones raising money for this silent killer. Does America have no heart? It is known that freedom-haters don't have defiant spirits like those friends of ours in Saudi Arabia that have already pledged 1 billion Riyals to fighting Marfan Syndrome. Yes, you heard right 1 billion Riyals. Death to mutations on the FBN1 gene on chromosome 15.

Durka Durka Marfan Syndrome Jihad!!!!

Obviously, I'm not expecting to watch that video anytime soon. But if you look closely at the bulleted list above you'll notice something. Famous people with Marfan syndrome fit loosely (ha, I kill me) into 2 major groupings. Musicians and Politicians/Revolutionaries.

Musicians

Robert Johnson
Joey Ramone
Jonathan Larson
Niccolò Paganini
Rachmaninoff

Politicians/Revolutionaries

Mary Queen of Scots
Akhenaton
Charles de Gaulle
Abraham Lincoln
Osama Bin Laden

If you look even closer, you will notice something else. Several of the above mentioned Marfan favorites were thought to have either sold their soul to the devil, or were in league with the devil or a witch. Interesting. Spin THAT National Marfan Foundation!

You've got Robert Johnson. The godfather of the blues, reportedly sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads of US 61 and US 49 in Clarksdale, Mississippi.

Many in Europe who saw Paganini play called him a Hexenshon, the devil’s son or witch’s brat because of his virtuosity on the violin.

Not only was Rachmaninoff's a virtuoso with large hands that were able to cover the interval of a thirteenth on the keyboard, but he was also fascinated by Paganini's "deal with the devil" enough to compose his famous Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini (1934). Rachmaninoff's First Piano Sonata (1907) was based on Goethe's Faust.

And that is just the beginning of my Marfan witch hunt...

You're only Junger Once

2007-12-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

My little brother Matt just turned me onto this tight article from Sebastian Junger in this month's Vanity Fair. The article, titled Into the Valley of Death, details the exploits of 2nd Platoon with Second Bat of the 503rd Infantry Regiment (airborne).

These are the soldiers that followed Matt and the other 10th Mtn grunts into Afghanistan. The following passage from the first page hit home since Matt was one of those soldiers on the tarmac ready to come home when he was extended...

The only soldiers to have been deployed more times since the September 11
attacks are from the 10th Mountain Division, which handed the Korengal over last June. (Tenth Mountain had been slated to go home three months earlier, but its tour was extended while some of its units were already on their way back. They landed in the United States and almost immediately got back on their planes.)

I'm Not Really Thinking: A Dissociation Strategy

2007-12-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

Nothing witty really to say, but here's a fantastic article I just read from the NYTimes.com that is applicable beyond running...it is specifically on a dissociation strategy for running...but could work equally well in politics, business, marriage, and perhaps even maybe speed walking?

The article starts with a story told by Dr. Bill Morgan of an Ivy League pole vaulter who held the Division 1 record in the Eastern region.

"His coaches and teammates, though, noticed that he could jump even higher.
Every time he cleared the pole, he had about a foot to spare. But if they moved
the bar up even an inch, the vaulter would hit it every time.

One day, when the vaulter was not looking, his teammates raised the bar a good six inches. The man vaulted over it, again with a foot to spare.

When his teammates confessed, the pole vaulter could not believe it. But, Dr. Morgan added, “once he saw what he had done, he walked away from the jumping pit and never came back.” After all, Dr. Morgan said, everyone would expect him to repeat that performance. And how could he?

The moral of the story? No matter how high you jump, how fast you run or swim, how powerfully you row, you can do better. But sometimes your mind gets in the way.

“All maximum performances are actually pseudo-maximum performances,” Dr. Morgan said. “You are always capable of doing more than you are doing.”

Late-Adapting Cyborg Walks the Dog

2007-12-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

Well, it is official. I'm a cyborg now. Just getting the first-week kinks out, but I've been trying to do that with other aspects of my life for years, so I imagine that de-kinking the cybernetics will be a never-ending process.

Unfortunately, I'm not really any faster, stronger, etc., but let's say my longevity has been certainly increased due to my pump (if you ignore the fact that my driving hasn't changed).

If I was going to get real metaphysical, I would probably say that I've actually been a cyborg since the last years of the 20th century when we ALL went out and got e-mail, blogs, Google, iPods, etc., and tried to organize our bookshelves, politics, and ultimately our relationships on the Net and became:

"...chimeras, theorized and fabricated hybrids of machine and organism; in short,
we are cyborgs."

Anyway, I've had several funky dreams about my new toy. I can't decide if I'm tethered to it or it's tethered to me. Sort of reminds me of one of my favorite poems by Howard Nemerov titled -- Walking The Dog.

A couple lines come to mind, although to get the full feel of the poem you need to read it all in context:

...for our relationship
Is patience balancing to this side tug
And that side drag; a pair of symbionts
Contented not to think each other's thoughts.

I guess I'll only know for sure who is pulling on who is when morning's fog of entropy comes and these dreams of Electric Sheep die down. But for now, just to show who's master I'll write this post.

When a threat goes astray!

2007-11-29T19:37:00.000-08:00

I told Jakob this morning to grab his back pack, his jacket and get his feet moving fast to the van and

Dad: hurry or...
Jakob: What, you'll turn me into a robot?
Dad: No Jakob, you're already a robot, I'll just rip the robot out of you...you cyborg now hurry.
Jakob: I'm not a cyborg dad, Just an experiment gone HORRIBLY HORRIBLY WRONG!

Later, in the van Emme asks me:

Emme: Dad, what's the word for Pomegranate in Spanish?
Dad: That's a good question Em, I don't know what is it?
Emme: See, you don't know EVERYTHING Dad.
Dad: Cut me some slack Em, I'll Google it tonight (Answer in case you at home are playing along is la granada).

The students are quickly becoming my teachers.

Sound Advice from My Brother the Warrior King

2007-11-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

I know I've written several little self-effacing stories about me and my family and developed them into cute little vignettes before, but I want to remind everyone I wasn't raised in a cute story vacuum.

I have an older brother Marc who, early on, created a huge impression on me; actually several huge and often quite literal impressions. He was 4 years older, which meant he went through puberty about 8 years before me. Plus, where as I was dropped into the shallow end of the family's gene pool, Marc dove, body taut and aligned, feet together and toes pointed, his palms grabbing water at the the deep end, genetically speaking, of the same pool.

The gods literally love the man. He burns good health for breakfast. He is the epitome of western, Rocky Mountain farm stock. Marc could seriously not brush his teeth for years and never develop cavities, or tartar, or plaque even.

Marc is a pilot's pilot. He is a man of steel. He's was an Eagle Scout at 13, earned more Merit badges than anyone else in the state of Utah in 1985. But, between dates with girls who listened to the Scorpions and shooting holes in my favorite paperbacks novels, Marc sat me down and taught me some real honest-to-goodness life lessons during his high school years and later throughout my entire 'awkward' decade (1985 - 1995).

"First," according to Marc, "when confronted with something you've done, just remember these three steps to improve your odds at a positive outcome:

1. Admit Nothing
2. Deny Everything
3. Make Counter Accusations

If that doesn't work, rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat until the other party wears down and/or walks away frustrated and spent."

It was only after saturating myself with the Internet years later, I finally plugged into the fact that this idea wasn't born of Marc, that my older and wiser brother had lifted this gem from some book he'd been reading about surviving interrogations or maybe from Soldier of Fortune. He didn't read the same stuff as me, so I don't really remember. Marc was reading about Iwo Jima and I was reading about Irish Red, runt son of Big Red.

Why the hell would a 15-year-old teach his 11-year-old baby brother counter-interrogation techniques during those formative years? Perhaps, he was just excited about this new methodology and I was an available ear he could share it with.

But to this day, I believe it was because he recognized how invaluable it would be later in my life. I might have been dropped in the shallow end, but Marc KNEW I'd still need to swim. He was reading my future with clarity and could see the following exchanges:

Jeni: Rob, your acting strange, are you low?
Me: What are you talking about?
Jeni: You're acting weird, what is going on? Do you need something to eat?
Me: No. NO! No low.
Jeni: Rob, come on, let's get something for you to eat.
Me: Hey, maybe it's you that needs to eat somethiggg. Maybe you are the one that ith actiggg strange and hath a problem.

and:

Police Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: No officer.
Police Officer: Well, I've got you clocked at 67 in a 45 zone.
Me: That wouldn't have been me officer.
Police Officer: Sir, I've got it right here.
Me: When was the last time you tuned that thing in? Do you have a log? How long have you been doing this? What's your badge number?
and recently:

Jakob: Daddy, did you hid candy in the Jar on top of the frigrator?
Me: No.
Jakob: But I saw you putting somethin on the frigrator?
Me: Don't know whatcha talking about Jakob.
Jakob: Candy, I want some of the candy in the jar on the frigrator.
Me: Don't take that tone with me Jakob. I think you need to go clean your room mister. Get to it, you are letting the toys take over. Now go. Go clean your room.

It would be easy for me to just say, hey everybody here is a cute counter-interogation phrase I remember Marc telling me years ago, but honestly people, those three lines have somehow become part of me. It isn't just a cute survival technique found on hats in the CIA gift shop it is part of my genetic code now.

I may never pick up a copy of Soldier of Fortune EVER, but I'll carry these tidbits with me forever... and when Jakob isn't quite old enough ... I'll pass them on to him.

Jeni would testify to that, and if she ever does, in court, I won't have to dig deep, think, or pause because it is all reflexive now ... "A.D.M., rinse and repeat."

Gone Daddy Gone!

2007-11-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

Teaching moments with children can't always be created ex nihilo. Sometimes, they happen in more of a serendipitous fashion. Take last Sunday. Our Jeep had finally decided to give up the ghost and blow its head gasket.

It briefly reminded me of the Violent Femmes song, "Gone Daddy Gone"

Beautiful girl lovely dress
Where she is now I can only guess
Cause its gone daddy gone
Your love is gone
Gone daddy gone
The love is gone away

I wanted to cry. Our Red Jeep was dead. This is the car I fell off Winn and Patti's roof onto. Probably saved my life by breaking my inevitable 14 foot belly flop onto their driveway.

This is the car we carried, in succession, our two newborn infants home from the Johnston-Willis hospital in. This is the car that has proudly displayed our "Yeehaw Is NOT a Foreign Policy" bumper sticker on its back window since 2002. This is the last vestige of Jeni and my youthful adulthood. And it's gone daddy gone. The game was up. We'd finally been caught.

Oh, and if that wasn't enough. This car had been paid off for the last six years. Go ahead Daddy let that fat tear fall. No one is looking.

So, Jeni had taken the only car we currently had that worked and was at the church for a Relief Society board meeting. She was going to come back and pick me and the kids up and we'd all go to church together in the Altima. No one was excited about a Sunday ride in the Altima. An economical, reliable and utterly forgettable car.

Jakob and Emme were dressed and waiting for Mom. I was dressed and pressed too. I even managed to secure everyone outside ten minutes before Church started, so we were at least good to go. Jeni should be along any minute.

It was at that melancholic moment; and at that precise sliver of time Jakob noticed an ant hill building up in our front desert landscaping. Two actually. A bunch of busy ants, working away on Sunday. Jeni was late, I was sad. Jakob wanted resolution. Emma was busy twirling in her beautiful fall dress with white shoes that didn't just not match her dress but actively clashed with her whole ensemble. It was a teaching moment.

"Jakob, do you know what ants hate?"
"Are these fire ants Dad?"
"No Jakob, just ants the exterminator missed. Do you know what they hate?"
"What?"
"I'll show you."

I strode into the garage looking for some bug spray. Nope. None. Liquid fertilizer? No, I don't know if they'd actually hate that. What. Would. Ants. Hate? Got it, there's some gasoline.

"Jakob, Emme, come here let me show you something."

I drizzled about a quarter cup of unleaded gas onto the ant hill. The sand dark now, the ants miserable and now really busy. The mousetrap was set. Where's Jeni? The ball was rolling down hill, gathering momentum.

"Jakob, watch your sister...I'll be right back."
"Where you going Dad?"
"In the house Jakob, I've got to grab something."
"What?"
"I'll show you, watch your sister."

In 30 seconds I was back out front. Jakob was busy watching the ants while his sister continued to twirl, watch, twirl, touch brother, twirl some more.

I then lit the match I had grabbed from inside and tossed it on the small hill. Thinking, I can't just leave the gas unburned, what a waste. Gas is meant to me burned. Unburned gas isn't safe. Tell kids to stand back, because even though the gas can is secure back in the garage on the shelf, there is probably a quarter cup of gasoline that has percolated in the sand and it may burn for a couple seconds.

As soon as the hill lit up, I knew I had been caught instantly. I knew I was trapped. I knew I had made a mistake, because Emme's scream told me so. She was both mad, startled and scared. All of a sudden I realized, .... 1) Emme slept with us last night because she had a fire dream, 2) Emme wasn't a big fan of Halloween because of the neighbors fire pits, 3) Emme wasn't a huge fan of fire drills at school, 4) Emme did NOT like fireworks. Something Links these things together? What is it?

"DADDDDDD, PUTTTTTT IT OUT PUT IT OUUUUUUUUUT!"

"Crap, Sorry Em, I forgot you don't like fire."
"PUTTTTTT IT OUT PUT IT OOOOOOUT!"

I grabbed my diet coke and poured the coke on the flames. Almost out but still burning the sand a little. So I filled up a Taco Bell cup from the garbage and killed the flame.

Its gone Emme gone
The Fire is gone
Gone Emme gone
The fire is gone away

The fire was out, Emme had stopped crying.

Just then Jeni pulled up in the Altima. Emma's tears started again as she got in. Jakob began an elaborate tattle. Daddy started making excuses. The one adult in the Altima was picking up all the kids today, and she was not happy with Daddy's refusal to let go of his youthful adulthood.

The game was up. Young Daddy finally had been caught.

Chinese Commitment Handcuffs

2007-11-17T22:10:00.000-08:00

Financial Times' Undercover Economist, Sir Tim Hartford (I know he's not a knight, I just like calling cool Brits Sir), reported on Ian Ayres newest economic creation...commitment bonds.

I tried this experiment unsupervised with a co-worker back in the Fall of 2003. Jeni and I had just recently had our second child, Emme. We bought our first home, money was tight and I figured it was time I gave up dietCOke.

Simple willpower and self discipline was not going to do it. I needed something extra-special. A financial incentive.

I needed an addiction partner to keep me in check. Luckily, I had a co-worker named Lilith (name was changed to protect the guilty who have claimed innocence) who was also looking to give up a bad habit. She wanted to put away the cigarettes she'd been smoking for years.

The fact that we were both analysts working in Virginia's budget office with our own particular areas of addiction made this unofficial commitment bond seem natural. We agreed to both quit, me my dietCoke, her those nasty cigarettes.

Ours was a very simple commitment bond. First to cave, first to give into their carnal cravings owed the other $20 (it may have been $40, I can't remember). I had another coworker witness our agreement. The contest of willpower was on.

Anyway, jump forward a few months. Lilith's three pant-suit work combos and heavily Aquaneted hair started to smell like my grandfather's basement again; a mash-up combination of burnt despair, decaying paper, and a cured, stubborn staleness. She had suddenly become less agitated recently and I knew the game was up. I had won the contest. She owed me. I was going to collect...today.

I confronted her in her usually undisturbed office. The door was shut, so I knocked and after being greeted with a low-tone and aloof greeting, I opened the thickly-painted government door. Lilith was reading the Washington Post with the window slightly open.

"Um, Lilith, so it looks like your back to pulling on your Pall Malls...um so, so I guess I win, so I'm her to collect."

"I don't smoke Pall Malls, idiot. And you didn't win. I saw you drinking a caffeine-free dietCoke last week."
"Yeah, but that's the same thing as drinking a Fresca or a diet Sprite."
"Yup, but our agreement was you were off dietCoke and I was off cigarettes."
"Are you telling me Lilith, that you're going to renege on our agreement over a technicality of your personal construction? Under your tight definition, I could have just switched over to dietPepsi and you could have switched to the hookah."
"Yup, now leave me alone, idiot. Oh, and shut the door when you leave."

She was now not just teasing me, she was stealing twenty dollars from my children's college fund, or my dietCoke budget. I was pissed. It is nearly five years later and I will openly admit I am still pissed. With Ayers' new Commitment Bond market soon on the way, the next step will be to form a commitment credit rating agency. I promise, I will be first in-line, demanding Lilith's commitment credit rating be initiated at the "junk" bond level based upon her past, well-documented default history.

She screwed me.

Things I Love To Hate: Usury

2007-11-17T20:08:00.001-08:00

I'm not an extremist by any stretch. I'm a real mellow fellow. I am laconic and unexcitable by nature and rather slow to wrath. That's why Uncle Sam has my two brothers in combat and not me. I'm a push-over really. I cry regularly while watching fabric softener commercials. I love poetry and art and typically avoid late-night tractor pulls.

I've do have a few calluses, but they are mainly pencil or pen related, not shovel or pick.

You get my drift? I'm a super-softie.

There is, however, one area of modern capitalism where my blood starts pumping real fast and I have to use extreme caution while driving --Predatory Lending. I understand completely why Dante put them in the 7th Circle of Hell, right next to the suicides, the blasphemers, and the sodomites. Now that I think of it, the entrance to Ft. Hood, Texas or Ft. Bragg, NC do seem to be like a drive through the Inferno's 7th circle.

For me, it becomes so bad I have to make sure I drive to my doctor's office in one particular direction in order to carefully avoid any payday loan, check-and-go, insta-cash joints because I hate them. I mean it. I HATE THEM with my own special kind of distracted passion. Dante has nothing on me.

It is actually a physical reaction my body has. My pulse quickens and I become almost Kujo-rabid. I get what Jeni calls the crazy-eye. If I approach my Dr's office from the south instead of the north, I drive past a Check$mart and it skews my regular checkups. Soon my doctor thinks I need another prescription.

"Rob, have you been taking your _____ regularly?"

"Yup. Sure doc. Did you see they just put up another Check$mart?

"Only reason I asked is I'm checking your vitals here and your bp is 190
over 120, that is kinda high for you, don't you think?"

"Ugh!Tempe gets the strippers and Mesa gets the Timonian debt-whores.
I'd rather they just build a strip club here instead. At least they are honest
about what they are selling. Now I'm being seriously doc, I'd rather they put up a good ol' fashion cabaret between my kid's school and our church instead of planting another MoneyTree."

"OK, Rob, I'm going to increase your dose from 10 mg to 20 mg, OK? Now, I'll see you in two weeks, here you go."

That is why I loved a recent post in Salon's How the World Works titled: Tips on how better to exploit the working poor.

Basically, Andrew Leonard describes the new website created by Mike Mathieu with his two social change, sidekick techies, Matt Lerner and Jesse Kocher. Their new website is called the Predatory Lending Association. The PLA website, for me is like Usury Morphine. I still get to feel the pain, but now, now I just don't care... except that it makes my nose itch.

God Finally Puts Down An American Literary Pitbull.

2007-11-11T18:29:00.001-08:00

For the most part, and I'm generalizing here, America's literary masters are quiet intellectuals. They might rage on the page, but up close they are tweedy and proper.

Of course, there are obvious exceptions to this rule. You've got your occasional Hemingways, Vidals, Kerouacs etc., but Norman Mailer for a generation commanded a small squad of great American literary fighters.

Here was a rogue, an absolute assault of a man, who as I've read recently in a great Salon obit, told Mike Wallace that he thought, "President Eisenhower is a bit of a woman," and in 1971 had the following drunk exchange on the Dick Cavett show with Gore Vidal:

MAILER: You're a liar and a hypocrite. … Are you ready to apologize?
VIDAL: I would apologize if it hurts your feelings, of course, I would.
MAILER: It hurts my sense of intellectual pollution.
VIDAL: As an expert you should know about that.
MAILER: Yes, well, I've had to smell your work from time to time. That has
helped me to become an expert on intellectual pollution.

This week they are burying a womanizer, a chauvinist, and a scrappy self-promoter. Imagine the three-way love child of Shakespeare, Don King and Mike Tyson, and you might - just maybe might - mentally land in the same neighborhood as Norman Mailer.

I've read many of Mailer's novels, and also burned-out on or drifted away from others. His books that touched me most are, in no particular order:

Executioner's Song
The Armies of the Night
Harlot's Ghost
Of a Fire on the Moon

They are burying many men this week, but only one body. The man I'll miss most is the detailed chronicler of the late 20th century American male malaise. He stamped out his own literary territory and deafened all our ears with his defense of it. He managed to mellow some with age, but now the chains that kept this attack dog from terrorizing the hereafter have finally given out.

Watch out Peter! You better hope those pearly gates can hold out for eternity against the onslaught of this Brooklyn-born hell hound.

My Introduction to Naked Economics

2007-11-10T21:04:00.001-08:00

My first real job in college was not exactly what I thought it was going to be. I imagined myself working in the college bookstore, or as a RA or TA for a professor doing back-breaking intellectual work.

However, I came to BYU with my own work baggage and biases. I had rules and certain expectations. Three rules I set for myself early in my life had yet to be shed.

1. Don't work unless you're paid.
2. Don't sweat unless you're hot.
3. Don't run unless you're chased.

I wanted to keep these rules intact and unbroken for as long as possible. I knew that eventually adulthood would force me to violate many, if not all of these rules, but hey -- I was a college student -- adulthood would have to wait.

I also wanted a job that would pay me not on my effort, but for my potential. That about summed up my attitude back then, "Pay me for my potential people." That was fair wasn't it? I had tremendous potential and any employer lucky enough to land me would need to factor that into what they paid me. It's not about just my current output, I want money for my future output. I want compensation for my future greatness and good ideas.

While I continued to wait for the offers for my potential to flow in, I had a college friend from POLSC 150 (Foreign Government) who introduced me to the underground world of the art model. First rule of art modeling, you don't talk about art modeling. She was both my broker, and my bookie. She was the one who said, "Hey Rob give it a try , just a little can't hurt you." She removed the social hurdles I would have otherwise set for myself. So, eventually, I caved. "OK, sure why not?"

Being an art model paid better than almost any other job on campus (with the exception of professors and administrators, I guess). The jobs came in three hour stints. I wouldn't have to think, or really work (I was naive about a lot of things I started back then). Plus, what better job for an attention hog than a room full of art anatomy students all starting at you for three hours? Also, it was a sure-fire way to get over those high school insecurities about my body. Still insecure about your peck chest (my monopeck is what I still call my pectus carinatum)? Try having 20 of your male and female peers charcoling every asymmetrical detail of your nearly nude body on paper.

Plus, I told myself. "It was only fair. Most of those twinks who self-selected to work as art models were all just vain narcissists, workout fanatics, body-conscious snobs. Those HFAC-building, artsy-fartsy types probably tired of looking at muscle-bound Adonises all day. Occasionally, it would be a nice break for them to sit down and draw a 6 foot, 6 inch, 145 lb stick figure. I would be willing to fill that role for them for a price ... well ... for at least $8.50/hr.

I was hooked. It wasn't easy, but I was good at it. I could strike amazing poses and hold still for 15-30 minutes at a time, and easily remember my original pose during the break. I was ALL angles. Pretty soon I started getting offers from professors who wanted to use me as a model for a starving prophet they were working on. "OK Robert, sit here, remember you're Elijah. Look at this cup. This is where the raven will be that is bringing you food. You've been in the wilderness for a long time, now can you stay like that for a couple hours?"

3 hours = ~ $30, which would buy me a couple cases of diet Coke and Douglas Hofstadter's Godel, Escher, and Bach. "Sure, no problem." Plus, if I wanted more money for food, I could always go model in Springville (nude at the art museum). That is where the "real model" money was to be made.

I never actually made it down to Springville, and after a few months of being an art model at BYU, I was eventually distracted by a combination of illness and effort, and soon fell into other areas of employment.

However, I'll always be grateful for those few months of getting paid to "not work." I quickly learned that 3 hours of doing nothing was still a pain in the "butt." I also learned that there was no such thing as being paid for potential.

Must of us are paid for showing up, clocking in, droping trow, and doing what we're paid to do. Period.

Tempered by Tempered Glass

2007-11-09T21:45:00.000-08:00

A week ago I spent the wee hours of Saturday night helping to secure our church after vandals had broken a north door entrance.

Since my natural skills are not very mechanically oriented, I think I was there more for logistics (running and getting, fetching, holding and sweeping) than actual fixing. This afforded me a chance to dwell on a pet peeve of mine. Today's American thieves and vandals just don't have the work ethic or art aesthetic they used to have. I'm not saying I approve of vandalism at all. I don't. I think vandalism is by its very nature destructive NOT productive. It is selfish not selfless. It is thoughtless not thoughtful. However, even within this normative framework, I find the lack of imagination and creativity in modern American vandalism just a tad depressing.

Where is the American answer to Bansky? Where is my helicopter with a yellow bow tie? I just get a million little pieces of safety glass to sweep up. The Brits get IRONY and PHILOSOPHY and JUXTAPOSITION (see Exhibit B - Bansky Vandalism aka Bottom Photo). Me, I get BROOM and VACUUM and PLYWOOD (see Exhibit A - American Vandalism aka Top Photo).

Two years ago at work, I had someone smash in my glass door and make off with a flat screen computer monitor. I was conflicted. Certainly, I got upset because someone had violated my work environment with their weekend smash and grab but even more than that...I was sickened because they were SOOOO bad at it. I mean really. I had so much more they could have taken. I am still grateful that what they took was so easy to replace, but I was shocked at their total and complete incompetence. No planning had been done. No work, or effort went into it.

Have our petty criminals really begun to de-evolve to such a dramatic level? Is our prison and/or education system(s) failing them THAT bad?

Jeni's hypothesis is this all has its roots with all the cuts made in the 1980s in middle-school art funding. I weep for the walls of tomorrow.

US Home Foreclosures = Tortured Withdrawl from Iraq Metaphor Pt 2

2007-11-09T20:17:00.001-08:00

Pt. 2 = Extreme Optimism (from Binge Home Buying to Preemptive Nation Invading)

I know I know I was promising more on this front weeks ago, but I got derailed with the whole voucher proposition # 1 fiasco in Utah. Sorry to my three readers for setting you up. I'm going to skip Pt 1, for a moment and focus on Pt 2, since recent news from the WSJ is applicable.

One reason I would posit that the US is in a difficult and expensive war in Iraq that equates to many homeowners current situation (underwater financially, desperate to get out, but caught between walking away and continuing to debt-spend for the foreseeable future) is that on a macro and micro-level we as humans are by our very nature OPTIMISTIC.

According to a recent study by Duke economists Manju Puri and David T. Robinson which explored how optimism relates empirically to important individual economic decision-making and recently appeared in the Journal of Financial Economics ...

"rather than save, they squandered. They postponed bill-paying. Instead of taking the long view, they barely looked past tomorrow. Statistically, they were more likely to be day traders.

A Nov 9 article from the WSJ titled Except in One Career,Our Brains Seem Built for Optimism, added in their report on this study that, "[t]his sense of hope boosts consumer confidence, creates market bubbles and spurs irrational exuberance."

My subthesis for Point 2 is that the same impulse for extreme optimism that helped many Americans to be dangerously optimistic when purchasing a home was similar to what drives other non pragmatic decision-making cited in the Duke study like:

Moderate optimists are less likely to be smokers, while extreme optimists are more likely to be smokers.
Moderate optimists hold a greater fraction of their wealth in liquid assets, while extreme optimists hold a smaller fraction.

I would basically conclude that the decision to invade Iraq was made because of extreme optimism in the following arenas: 1. our belief that we would be 'greeted as liberators,' 2. our overestimating Iraq's oil revenue potential, 3. underestimating time it would take to create a functioning democracy, 4. misjudging the assistance we would receive from other nations.

Vouch! That Hurts

2007-11-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

As always, I'm either 9 years too early for dating (veiled reference to the fact that my voucher paper was born 9 years too early), or 1 month too late for the dance (another veiled reference to my poor timing).

I finally pull out my thesis, dust it off and post it on this blog about 1 week before the Voucher Referendud is basically dead and buried in Utah. The last exhale of the defeated coming, according to the Salt Lake Tribune, from Overstock.com founder, and the King Voucher for Vouchers Patrick Byrne who summed up the defeat of Referendum # 1 with both tact and with his typical scarcity of words, by saying that Utah parents are basically dumb and "don't care enough about their kids. They care an awful lot about this system, this bureaucracy, but they don't care enough about their kids to think outside the box."

By the way, look for a firesale over at Overstock.com on Utah's Pro-Liberty PR bloggers, who are this week's Overstock Steal of the Week.

And, now...now I notice that in October, one of my favorite literary economists (Steven D. Leavitt) started a blog discussion on School Choice over at his Freakonomics Blog.

Trick or Treat in Stalingrad!

2007-11-06T21:06:00.001-08:00

Emme, my five year old daughter was spooked about four houses out of the gate on Halloween, and Jeni had earlier taken her back to Grandma's to relax and hand out candy with Grandpa Bishop.

Jakob would have none of it, that attitude and accompanying work ethic was just silly. Halloween was only one night, and there was so much to do. We both had been prepping far too long for this moment. We had our door approach down cold now...

I would carry the bag (especially now it was getting heavy) because with his Boba Fett costume and associated gear (mask, gloves, belt, Jango Fett gun), it was important, but not critical to our success tonight. I would deliver the bag to the front door of the next house. I would ring the door bell and then back off about five paces. Jakob would assume the position slightly behind the open and optimistic Halloween bag, and as the door showed signs of opening...he'd lower his mask into place and draw his weapon. He wouldn't point it at people, because years of Jeni's anger over pointing guns, fingers, sticks or other objects at people was just "ruuuude." But he would pull the gun and prepare to dazzle them with his overall interpretation.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No Jakob, just say Trick or Treat"

"I'm Boba Fett, from Star Wars. Do you like Star Wars?"
"I was in Star Wars 5. Do you want to see my Jango Fett blaster?"

"Jakob, I don't think they know the difference."

"Do you want to hear it?"

"Uh, Jakob, now say 'Happy Halloween.'"

"HAAAAPPPPPPPY HALLLOWWEEEEEEEEN! Suckas! Tsssserrr ca TSSSSERRR!
"Hey. Jakob. JAKOB. Stop shooting the blasters and tell them thank you for the candy."

"Thanks for the candy, you all have a nice night neighbors."

Walking away, I turn to him "Jakob, we need to shorten our door
approach, and you need to start walking faster, I don't think we will make
it home at this rate; HOLY CRAP! Look at all the candy they gave you."

"That's because my costume is the best. Right Dad?"

"That's right Jakob, and you are quality over quantity"

We make the entire circuit, and hit every house in Grandma's McMansion neighborhood complete with big boats, big trucks, small trees, immature yards, and above all really good Halloween hauls.

"Remember Jakob, you need to share with Emma. She's going to be sad
she left early."

"She can have all my peanut butter candies and the ones with nuts. I'm allergic to nuts."

Well, I'm sure we can take care of those for you. Just remember it is nice to share.

We got back to Grandma's and loaded Jakob and Emme into the Jeep and took them home and medicated them, brushed their teeth and then put them into bed. It was Halloween, but still a school night.

The next morning, while Jeni was showering, I went into the utility room to fetch the stash. I was excited to sort through Jakob's bag, see his score and pull out all the peanut candy and of course...to take my "Daddy Tax."

"JENI...JENIII...Where is Jakob's candy?"

"Oh, I dumped his bag and Emma's bags into the bowl of extra candy from
last night."

"You DID WHAT?"

"I put all the candy together. You know...IN ONE PLACE!"

"I get it, but Jakob worked for his candy...it is the total product of his
efforts from last night, and you've grouped it with the left-overs and Emma's
candy...that is, that is, well...it's the very worst pieces of socialist drivel
put into a..., a...

Jack-o-lantern patterned, plastic bowl?

How are we going to raise a super-capitalist now Jeni? We've just eliminated all positive mechanisms for BOTH future effort AND charity? We've just made things EVEN!"
"Things in our house ARE even loverboy, now remember those sour-apple Laffy Taffies are Mine."

Yes comrade!

An Open Letter to Those That Forwarded The Obama Pic

2007-11-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

Let me be simple and to the point.

I've got two brothers currently serving in the US Army. My older brother is a black hawk pilot who has been in COMBAT (2 tours in IRAQ and 2 tours in Afghanistan) almost 4 of the last 6 years now. He's got a wife and 3 children.

I've also got a little brother (my father just pinned on his Sergeant pin today), who left his Echols scholarship at UVa to enlist in the Army. He just returned from 10th MTN Division's 16 month COMBAT tour to Afghanistan.

I am a little proud of them, they are my only two brothers.

I am, however, a little embarrassed of all of you. Frankly, I don't give a rats tail who you vote for in the next election. I just find it funny that a couple of successful folks over at a couple exclusive investment firms can forward emails that have no real actual meaning to either my brothers or my family, and then pat themselves on their backs for their collective enthusiastic patriotism.

If you are so concerned about patriotism gentlemen, enlist. I mean it. Drop everything, grow a pair and enlist. Both the Army and Marines need thousands of honest, hardworking, healthy men right now in Iraq and Afghanistan. Suck it up, men you're patriots right?

Perhaps, if we had less people bitching from their leather chairs, while emailing their friends and family about "hands on hearts" while straightening their flag lapel pins, before they close the sale; and more people with the resolve to actually sacrifice everything and go put "hands on guns," we could win the war.

Perhaps, if we weren't so fixated on empty vestiges of patriotism (like the effort it takes you to forward an email pic) and instead focused on real sacrifice, whether it is made by Republicans or Democrats we could win the war.

I'm not holding my breath, gentlemen. Maybe Mark 7:6 deserves a second read.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 13

2007-11-02T21:27:00.001-07:00

Works Cited

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Bastin, A. 1990. School choice: Unwrapping the package. In W.L. Boyd & H.J. Walberg (eds.). Choice in education. Berkley, CA: McCutchan

Bishop, John H. “Is the test score decline responsible for the productivity growth decline?” American Economic Review 79, no.1 (March): 178-197.

Boyd, W.L. 1987. Balancing public and private schools: The Austrailian experience and American implications. Educational Evaluation and Policy Analysis, 9: 183-193.

Brown, Frank. 1990. “The language of politics, education, and the disadvantaged.” Pp. 83-100 in Educational Leadership in an Age of Reform, edited by S.L. Jacobson, and J.A. Conway. New York: Longman.

Brown, Frank, and A. Reynaldo Contreras. 1991. Deregulation and privatization of education: A flawed concept. Education and Urban Society 23, no. 2. (February): 144-158.

Catterell, James S., and Henry M. Levin. 1982. Public and private schools: Evidence on tuition tax credits.” Sociology of Education 55 (April/July): 144-151.

Chubb, J.E., and T. M. Moe. 1990. Politics, Markets and America’s Schools. Washington D.C.: Brookings Institution.

Coleman, James S., Sally B. Kilgore, and Thomas Hoffer. 1982. Public and private schools.” Society 19: 4-9.

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Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 13

2007-11-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

Works Cited

Associated Press. 1992. Group demands changes in way schools receive federal funds. Salt Lake
Tribune. 12 December. At . 4 April 1998.

Ballantine, Jeanne H. 1997. The Sociology of Education: A Systematic Analysis. Upper Saddle
River, NJ: Prentice Hall.

Bastin, A. 1990. School choice: Unwrapping the package. In W.L. Boyd & H.J. Walberg (eds.).
Choice in education. Berkley, CA: McCutchan

Bishop, John H. “Is the test score decline responsible for the productivity growth decline?”
American Economic Review 79, no.1 (March): 178-197.

Boyd, W.L. 1987. Balancing public and private schools: The Austrailian experience and American
implications. Educational Evaluation and Policy Analysis, 9: 183-193.

Brown, Frank. 1990. “The language of politics, education, and the disadvantaged.” Pp. 83-100 in Educational Leadership in an Age of Reform, edited by S.L. Jacobson, and J.A. Conway. New York: Longman.

Brown, Frank, and A. Reynaldo Contreras. 1991. Deregulation and privatization of education: A
flawed concept. Education and Urban Society 23, no. 2. (February): 144-158.

Catterell, James S., and Henry M. Levin. 1982. Public and private schools: Evidence on tuition tax credits.” Sociology of Education 55 (April/July): 144-151.

Chubb, J.E., and T. M. Moe. 1990. Politics, Markets and America’s Schools. Washington D.C.:
Brookings Institution.

Coleman, James S., Sally B. Kilgore, and Thomas Hoffer. 1982. Public and private schools.”
Society 19: 4-9.

----------. 1982. Cognitive outcomes in public and private schools. Sociology ofEducation 55
(April/July): 65-76.

Cookson, Jr., Peter W. 1991. Private schooling and equity: Dilemmas of choice. Education and
Urban Society 23, no. 2 (February): 185-199.

Cooper, Bruce S. 1984. The changing demography of private schools: Trends and implications.
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Crosby, Cherrill. 1992. Utah’s private schools: How good? Families sacrifice time, money for
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Drucker, P.F. 1985. Innovation and Entrepreneurship. New York: Harper & Row.
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Foster, Shawn. 1998. Demographics of Beehive State are shifting.” Salt Lake Tribune. 24 January. At . 5 April 1998.

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Glass, Sandra Rubin. 1997. Markets & myths: Autonomy in public and private schools.”
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Linowes, David. 1995. The rational for privatization: we must break away from archaic concepts.
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Martin, Michael. 1991. Trading the known for the unknown: Warning signs in the debate over
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Martinez, V., Kemerer, F., and Godwin, K. 1993. Who Chooses and Why? BaselineDemographic
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Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 12

2007-11-02T21:26:00.001-07:00

Conclusion

Education can be considered as one of the fundamental establishments of American democracy, society, and culture. The strength of the market in the United States and the simplicity of ideas such as efficiency, and choice makes the idea of education vouchers appealing on many levels. However, before a community, district, or state jumps on the voucher bandwagon completely, more complex issues surrounding concepts like equity and the role government and markets in public education need to be addressed in the community where reform is being considered.

The issues of education vouchers and market reform in education are issues that carry with them not just the need to create an education policy reform that is in tune with not just the environment of education, but in tune with society as a whole. I began this paper looking at some of the economic factors affecting voucher reform in Utah. I finished it by examining the values that surround the voucher debate in the United States. Voucher reform has many potential problems that need to be addressed before it should be considered a viable education reform idea in the state of Utah. After briefly examining vouchers reform in Utah, it has become obvious that before vouchers, or any form of market reform is attempted in Utah, both economic AND normative evaluations need to show exactly how reform will benefit all of Utah and Utah's children.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 11

2007-11-02T21:25:00.000-07:00

Reform's Future in Utah

One of the possibilities is the expansion of the charter school idea in Utah. It tends to breach the gap between private and public school. It gives the school a little more autonomy, and parents a little more choice

Charter schools began as a way to improve public schools by: (1) making them compete with one another for students, and (2) giving teachers, administrators, and parents the flexibility to choose the type of curriculum that they feel would best fit the needs of their students. This type of reform would probably be better then just giving parents $1,000 per student as a tuition tax credit for private schools. This is true especially since that type of policy would benefit heavily both those already going to private schools, and those who live in areas where there are easily accessible private schools. The problem with the first part goes back to the idea that spending more money on the already advantaged is not as effective as spending money on the less advantaged. This is related to the idea of diminishing marginal returns. The second part is also a large concern in Utah. On Table 1, in the appendix, it obvious that 85% of the students going to private schools come from just five school districts. Two school districts, Jordan and Salt Lake, are home to over 54% of those going to private school. Table 2 shows that of the remaining 35 school districts, 22 districts have 0 students attending private schools. The remaining 1,470 K-12 students going to private schools are spread between 13 districts with one district having as few as eleven students going to a private kindergarten.

On July 1st, 1993, the Dual Enrollment Law was passed in Utah. This law provides for dual enrollment between private and home schools and public schools. According to the Utah Home Education Association’s web page, Utah’s laws and regulations surrounding home schooling are fairly home school friendly (UHSA). This is another area of concern. If a tuition tax credit/voucher were to be used in Utah, it would need to be able to not just be used for simply encouraging parents to send their students to private schools, but would need to be broad enough to support both home schooling, and charter schools. If the tuition tax credit/voucher were given to each family, and the only stipulation were that the money be used in the fiscal year, and be used for education, this could help education in Utah by increasing the competition not just between private schools and public schools, but between public schools and home schools, and between public schools themselves. However, in order for this broad of a tuition tax credit policy to work, their would need to be already in place a framework that would allow parents to move their children easily from one school to another. This would also perhaps require mobility between not just schools but districts too.

Another area of reform needed is the way that federal monies are distributed to the states. Currently the bulk of federal education dollars is given to the states that spend the most on education anyway. This gets back to the economic idea of diminishing marginal utility. What is a state where the average spending per student really going to do with an extra $100 or $200 dollars per student? Will the benefits that come from giving the money to that state equal the redistributive benefit that a state like Utah, or Arkansas, or Mississippi would receive from the same $100 or $200 dollars. These are smaller states, with not as much political clout, but they are surely being targeted not because they spend less of their total budget on education, but simply because they have a young population and not much political clout. Also decreasing just a state like New York’s total federal education monies by $50 dollars a student would be enough to increase Utah, Arkansas, and Mississippi’s federal education dollars by $100 per student. It might sound like a Robin Hood education mentality, but it would really be taking federal money that would otherwise be going to the rich (New York raises on average $10,187 per student) and give it to states that together (Utah, Mississippi, and Arkansas) are only able to spend $14,896.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 10

2007-11-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

Does a commitment to education vouchers lead to consequences that are
equitably distributed?

Certainly the basic values promoting education vouchers need to be questioned if it can be ascertained that the policy will provide more benefits for one group and impose more costs on another. As John Rawls put it so well, "All social values - liberty and opportunity, income and wealth and the bases of self-respect - are to be distributed equally unless an unequal distribution of any, or all, of these values is to everyone's advantage" (Rawls 1971, 62). Although it is possible to disagree with Rawls' conception of Justice, it also difficult to argue that imposing costs on the poor and giving benefits to the rich would be to the poor's advantage, or that it would result in a policy that was either just or equal.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 9

2007-11-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

Do education vouchers result in unanticipated problems with important societal consequences?

Perhaps one of the biggest problems associated with market-based reform in education is that it might end up destroying what it is trying to promote - the privatization of education. Many choice and market advocates are aggressively promoting education vouchers, a system which could encompass both public and private schools in order to expand parent's options and foster greater competition between schools. However, as the problem many skeptics of vouchers see with giving federal aid to private schools has to do with the government's proclivity to regulate those organizations it gives money to. Since the Supreme Court ruled in favor of private schools in Pierce v. Society of Sisters in 1925, private schools have not operated without some form of regulation. Although the Supreme Court realized that compulsory public school attendance law would destroy private schools, they also recognized that the state has a legitimate interest in seeing that private schools serve the public interest. Justice McReynolds reflected in Pierce that,

No question is raised concerning the power of the State reasonably to regulate all schools, to inspect, supervise and examine them, their teachers and pupils; to require that all children of proper age attend some school, that teachers
shall be of a good moral character and patriotic disposition, that certain
studies essential to good citizenship must be taught, and that nothing be taught
which is manifestly inimical to the public welfare (534).

The regulation of private schools, however, has largely remained independent of government control specifically because most private schools either refuse public money, or are ineligible for public money. However, one only needs to look at one example of what happens when public money is given to private schools to see the regulation trend that could develop out of an education voucher system.

When private schools are given money in order to provide special education services, there is an established pattern of accountability set up in order to insure that under the Individuals With Disabilities Act "the state and school district remains responsible for insuring that a handicapped child placed in a private school obtains an appropriate education" (Kemerer, et al 1992, 607).

According to the National Center for Policy Analysis, "Some private school administrators are concerned that they might lose control over teaching, curriculum and admissions policies if the government were to attach certain requirements" (NCPA 1998, 1).

Another place where vouchers might actually develop unintended consequences is in the area of inequality. Both sides of the voucher argument are using the inner-city poor and minorities as political capital to push their arguments forward. Those for vouchers argue that education vouchers would help give inner-city parents more choice in where they send their children to school by helping to overcome the financial burden (double-tax) of sending their children to private schools.

Those arguing against education vouchers and any type of market-reform in education, however, argue that just the opposite reaction might occur. Since there are other costs, besides tuition, that go into attending private schools (transportation, uniforms, etc.) lower-income families are still going to be less likely to send their child to a private school. Vouchers will end up helping those who are already sending their children to private schools, or encouraging those middle class parents who are at the margin.

Following what Brown and Contreras call the "track record of choice" we see that instead of providing a way out for inner-city parents, these education choices represent a strict hierarchy of resources (Bastin, 1990). Magnet schools, held up by many pro-choice, pro-voucher advocates as models for school choice, often result in social class segregation and do little to improve education for at-risk students (Metz 1990), and in Australia, choice schools resulted in the further stratification of students by social class (Boyd 1987).

This can be seen in a graphic created by the Heritage foundation based on data compiled by the National Center for Education Statistics. As a family's income goes up, so too does the probability that they will send their child to a private school. Income, however, as we see, doesn't just affect probability of sending a child to a private school. It ends up affecting the actual choice of residence for those in higher income brackets more then those in lower.

This information becomes even more important when discussing the final question that must be asked concerning the underlying the values and assumptions of the education voucher debate.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 8

2007-11-02T21:19:00.001-07:00

Do education vouchers have instrumental or contributive value for society as a whole?

After previously exploring, briefly, the arguments for education vouchers, it appears that to an extent education vouchers do have some value for society as a whole. Market values such as competition, meritocracy, and libertarian democracy do in fact provide many benefits to society. Private market-based schools have been able, up to this point, to compete quite well with public schools in many aspects despite the large subsidies given to U.S. public schools by our government.

Private schools, through market forces, have also been also able to provide schools to individual communities that are custom tailored to different religious, cultural, academic, and social backgrounds and needs. A demand that public schools are not able to meet because of the inflexibility of public education's bureaucracy. According to David Linowes in a speech delivered to the Executive Officers Conference of the National Association of Boards of Pharmacy, "the transfer of government assets and/or operations to private business interests, is a recognition that government in any guise cannot be all things to all people" (1995, 86).

If public education can be delivered more efficiently, and more effectively through private schools, some argue, does it really make a difference who funds it? The answer to this, depends not only on the values we attribute to market-based reforms, but how those values and assumptions interact and mix with the values that are associated with public education. What do we as American's want from education? What do we see the purpose of public education as? If the assumptions and values underlying what determines a good public education are changing to more result and outcome-based indicators, then perhaps a market-based reform such and vouchers is not only appropriate, but also helpful. However, the public reaction towards reform movements like vouchers, choice and privatization are often determined by the state of the economy. When the economy is expanding, and inflation and unemployment are both low, then obviously, market-oriented reforms seem like common sense. If the market is healthy, perhaps we feel it can do what the government can't. Or perhaps, at least the market might able to do what the government is already doing with better results. However, when the economy isn't doing well, unemployment is high and it appears like the market might stumble, turning to the market to fix problems in education doesn't always appear the best solution.

Another potential benefit that society could reap from market-oriented education reforms like vouchers are new education ideas. Education, when forced to compete for students, and thus federal monies, is placed in a better position to try out new education ideas. Public education, thus far, functions like a monopoly. It charges high rates, for what is considered a low return. Experimentation and innovation become unnecessary, because in a monopoly there is no worry that suddenly someone else will produce a better product for a cheaper price. The only choice is your product, and the only price is the one set by the monopolist. By introducing vouchers and market reform, choice and competition are introduced, and so is innovation and experimentation.

Fundamentally, however, it doesn't matter if vouchers are actually able to create an environment for public education where kids are educated for less, and also score higher on standardized tests, etc., if the results don't correlate with what society thinks a good education should be. Many educators argue that outcome or result-based education is a step in the wrong direction. Instead of engendering students with a desire to learn, and the capacity to think, reason, and relate, outcome-based reform forces educators to produce students who do well on tests.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 7

2007-11-02T21:16:00.002-07:00

Values and Assumptions of Vouchers

Examining the arguments both for and against vouchers and market-based reform in education, it has becomes clear that the values and assumptions that are driving both national and local voucher reform stem from deeply held values closely aligned with both libertarian and meritocracy-based ideals. The core arguments for vouchers tend to gravitate towards the primacy and importance of values such as: choice, competition, efficiency, autonomy, and achievement. Those academics, groups, and individuals who are fundamentally opposed to the idea of education vouchers, or market-based reform in any guise, however, are driven by their commitment to the assumptions and values associated with: equality, rights, compassion, and community responsibility.

It becomes impossible, therefore, to explore the arguments of market-based reform in education without looking at how the basic values and assumptions driving this reform will impact not just education, but our entire society. In exploring the values surrounding voucher reform, this section will look at three key questions:

Do education vouchers have instrumental or contributive value for society as a whole?

Do education vouchers (and its normative assumptions) result in unanticipated problems with important societal consequences?

Does a commitment to education vouchers lead to consequences that are equitably distributed?

As these three questions are examined, it will enable us to also look at how public education in America, as well as in Utah, is affected by the underlying values of education vouchers and market reform.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 6

2007-11-02T21:16:00.001-07:00

Demand for Information

It has only been recently that researchers have extended their study of education reforms into the realm of the demand-side of the market. I will now look at the necessity for information about the education market needed by parent/consumers to make the markets for public goods like education work. The lack of this type of information will keep education reform, and the education market, from ever working in Utah.

Schneider, et al, examined briefly in their article “Institutional Arrangements and the Creation of Social Capital: The Effects of Public School Choice,” the need for more demand-type reforms. They suggest that “the benefits of such market-like reforms can extend beyond the consumer behavior that has been the focus of previous analysis.” They also argue that “by expanding the options people have over public services, citizen/consumers can also become better citizens, and by so doing, increase the nation’s stock of social capital” (1997, 82).

This type of benefit is hard to quantify, but does show the possibility for benefit from the choice model in education. However, like the authors of the article discussed, it is not just a manipulation of the supply side of choice that is needed to produce a ‘virtuous cycle,’ but also a change in the demand-side of the choice model.

In order for positive social capital benefits to come out of school choice, viz a vi, tuition tax-credits/vouchers, there needs to be a system in place to help expand the demand-side of choice. This requires giving parents the information needed to make the best choice in the education of their children. It requires, again, a framework that will benefit not just those who are already situated to benefit from traditional sources of information, but those who aren’t. This goes back to the diminishing marginal utility argument. If education about educational choice is to be effective, it will need to focus specifically on those groups who are traditionally excluded from demand-side information. The benefits that would come from one more piece of information given to a traditionally excluded parent is greater than giving that same piece of information to someone who could get the information themselves with very little cost. This isn’t an area that is defined, or explored enough to warrant much more discussion here, but needs to be taken into consideration when thinking of a reform model for Utah.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 5

2007-11-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

Evaluating the Supply-Side Model for Education Reform in Utah

In 1991, a Utah gubernatorial aspirant Richard Eyre put forth the idea that choice, competition, and risk-taking were the necessary steps for school reform in Utah (Eyre 1991, 1). His plan was obviously too radical for body politic in Utah during the 1992 election. Mr. Eyre’s plan was to reform Utah’s schools using vouchers. According to his theory, vouchers would encourage many Utah parents to send their children to private schools. The vouchers, however, would be worth less than what the state spends on the average public school student. The public schools, and local districts, would then be able to keep the difference between the voucher, and the per-pupil costs. The families that decided to send their children to private schools would end up spending more than the current per-student expenditure in Utah right now. Utah, and local districts would, because some of their students went to private schools, have more money to spend on the remaining public school students.

The problems with his plan, and the main problems with vouchers in Utah are three fold. First, there simply aren’t enough private schools in Utah to accomplish Eyre’s competition step needed to reform education in Utah. Second, even if there were enough schools to accommodate the flow of students from public to private schools, the financial benefit from this reform might simply not be large enough to justify the change. Thirdly, those students left behind in public schools are usually the more expensive to educate, and often come to school from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Utah has a small private school community which is dominated at one end by small parochial schools that cater to a small Catholic community in the state, and at the other end by high-price university prep-schools who aren’t capable of absorbing many more students than they already have on their waiting lists. According to Sister Gernevra Rolf, superintendent of the Catholic school system in Utah, Blessed Sacrament, a Catholic grade school in Sandy still has a waiting list “a yard long” (Crosby 1992, 1). The market for schools is not a very elastic market. There are often large startup costs that limit the number of schools from keeping up with the demand. Part of the problem in Utah is that private schools aren’t just competing with public schools and vice-a-versa, but they are also competing with the growing Utah trend of home schooling.

Another reason why a tuition tax credit in Utah would probably not solve the educational ills of the state is simply a problem of financial logistics. Since the state of Utah already has a very low level of expenditure per pupil, it wouldn’t be able to give a tuition tax credit (or voucher) worth more than the already low level it, as a state, expends on the student. So, in effect, it would be stuck between doing nothing and giving parents the same low-level amount that it already gives the individual public schools to teach the same student. This obviously would benefit parents of private prep-schools like The Waterford School in Sandy by allowing them to spend a little less on their children already attending. But with a private school like Waterford charging $7,900 for grades I to III, $9,075 for grades IV to VII, and $11,300 for grades VIII to XII (not including fees) a $1,000 voucher would still keep many private schools out of reach for most families in Utah.

The second flaw with Eyre’s plan is that his model suggests that Utah would benefit from all the excess money left in the system by parents that opt to take their children out of the public school market. These parents would then put their children in the private school market, while at the same time still continuing to pay property taxes. Again the problem with this is that the amount of the voucher would have to be great enough to encourage parent’s to take their children out of the public school market, while small enough to allow the program to work. Since Utah is dealing with a per/pupil revenue in the 1995-96 year of $4,224 and a per/pupil expenditure of $3,670, it doesn’t leave Utah with much room to maneuver. If Catterall and Levin’s model is used in Utah, and if we assume that the net result would be the same, then a $1,000 tuition tax credit would shift one half of one percent of the three groups (black, Hispanic, and whites) to private schools. In Utah, with a public school student population of 473,666 students in 1995-96 this would mean that 2,368 students would make the switch from public to private schools. The 2,368 students leaving the public school system would cost the state $1,000 a piece (the price of the tuition tax credit or voucher). This equals $2,368,000. The revenue generated by the state by the loss of these students to the private schools would be equal to: the per/pupil revenue x the number of students – total cost. The per/pupil revenue in the 1995-1996 year was $4,224, and the number of pupils that would make the switch from public to private schools is, again, 2,368. This comes out to $10,002,432. When the total cost of the tuition tax credits is taken from this amount, the total revenue from students leaving the public school to go to private school becomes $7,634,432. If we assumed that every district, and every school, and every student received the same amount of money from local property taxes and the state, etc.. And if we assumed that this amount was equal to the per pupil expenditure for the 1995-1996 school year then the increase per student remaining in the public schools for the 1995-1996 would be equal to the total revenue from the students that left divided among the students that stayed. The number of students that stayed would be equal to the 473,666 original students minus the 2,368 students that left would equal 471,298. The total revenue per student would then simply be equal to the number of students left divided into the total amount of revenue. Since the total revenue is again $7,634,432 and the total students remaining is equal to 473,666, that means the total revenue per student is equal to $16.12.

Net Result of $1,000 Tuition Tax-Credit in Utah

A Tuition Tax Credit - $1000
B Per/Pupil Revenue (1995/96) - $4224
C Per/Pupil Expenditure (1995/96) - $3670
D Total # of Students (1995-96) - 473,666
E % of Students who would switch - 0.005
F or (D*E) Total # of Students who switch - $2368
G or (D-F) Total # of Students who remain - 471,298
H or (A*F) Cost of Student's Leaving System - $2,368,000
I or (B*F) Revenue Generated from Students who Switch from Public 2 Private - $10,002,432
J or (I-H) Net Result of Switch(Revenue - Cost) - $7,634,432
K or (J/G) Net Result Per/Pupil of $1,000 Tuition Tax-Credit/Voucher in Utah -$16.2

Based on Statistics from Utah State Office of Education's Web Site, 19 March 1998

This doesn’t of course include the cost of administering the voucher system or account for other costs such as fraud, etc., and to be fair it also doesn’t consider how many parents in Utah would be persuaded to home school their child. However, since Utah is much lower than the nation’s average on percent of students in private school, but has a healthy home schooling atmosphere, it would probably be safe to assume that in Utah those parents who in Catterall and Levin’s study would have sent their children to private school would, instead, home school them.

Another doubt this casts on the voucher method of education reform is the idea that the school’s behavior is static. Earlier in the paper, I mentioned that the private school market in Utah is fairly inelastic, or I at least said it wasn’t very elastic. The whole basis of believing that the private school market would be able to grow to accommodate the growing demand for private schools borne out of a tuition tax credit or voucher, all depends on the schools maintaining their current tuition. Since a little more than 2,300 students would be encouraged to leave the public school nest in search of a better educational home in the private school market, it does not lend itself to a large increase in private schools in Utah. Most of the parents who would want to send their children to a private school would also tend to come from the same backgrounds and traditions of those currently sending their children to private schools in Utah. This would mean that most private schools would just have to expand to fill the niches, or perhaps a few similar niche schools would overcome the startup costs and develop. Since there are approximately 100 private schools in Utah serving the needs of approximately 9,400 kindergarten through 12th grade private students, one would assume that the addition of 2300 more students (this is a high end figure since many Utah parents would probably home school their children instead of sending them to private schools) would bring about no more than 10 to 15 new schools, with most students being absorbed into the already established schools.

This leads to the following conclusion: Since the startup cost of a private school is high, and the difficulty level for a school that is already established to absorb more students is also high, it would naturally follow that those students who would choose to go to a private school over a public school because of the tuition tax credit or voucher, would end up going to an established private school. Also, since many private schools highly subsidize their school from another source, it would make sense that in an fairly inelastic private school market like Utah, the tuition tax credits would simply cause private schools to increase their tuition rates an amount related either partially or completely to the amount of the tuition tax credit.

This would decrease the effects that the tuition tax credit would have on marginal families deciding whether or not to take their children out of public schools and put them into private schools.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 4

2007-11-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

Educational Needs and Idiosyncracies of Utah

For years, Utah has fought not to be in the top ten, top half, or even top three quarters of state’s educational spending on students. Instead, it has tried to get off the bottom and perhaps lift itself above Arkansas (its nearest competitor for last place). In 1994-95, the national average was $5,541 per student. That same year, Utah was able to scrape together only $3,420. In 1995-1996, the national average was $5,738 but again Utah’s expenditure per student was only $3,670 (NCES). In both these years, Utah only missed last place by a couple hundred dollars, and Arkansas was able to claim the prize for the bottom. Utah, paradoxically, spends the most money for education per taxpayer. This disparity, where Utah can at one end spend practically the least per student, and at the other end spend the most per tax payer can be partially explained by the state’s unusual demographics. Utah has the youngest population in the country. Utah’s student population also continues to grow. While most states only have two children for every taxpayer, Utah has three (Wright 1992, 1).

The challenges of Utah’s education, however, don’t just end there. Utah also competes yearly, usually neck in neck with California, for the most students per teacher. In 1994-95 Utah ranked 51st out of the 50 states and the District of Columbia for class size. When the national average was 17.3 pupils per student, California ranked 50th with a class size of 24.1 pupils for every teacher, while Utah had 24.3 pupils for every teacher. In 1995-96, however, Utah was able to pull ahead of California by reducing its class size to 23.6 while California grew to 24.2.

Most of these problems are further aggravated by the fact that under the current federal funding formulas, Utah usually ends up on the bottom end of federal financial aid. Chapter 1 funds, which are the federal government’s largest education program, designed to financially aid schools with high concentrations of disadvantages, are allocated according to how much individual states spend per student. This penalizes Utah, a state with large families, and doesn’t take into consideration the education expenditures per taxpayer in Utah (Associated Press 1992, 1).

Utah also has a very small fraction of its 474,000 kindergarten through 12th-grade students enrolled in private schools. According to a 1992 article that appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune, only 2 percent of Utah’s student’s are enrolled in a private school. There are approximately 100 private schools in Utah, with Catholic schools accounting for 42 percent of Utah’s private-school population. This strongly contrasts with the national trend, where 11 percent of the nation’s kindergarten through 12th-grade students are enrolled in a private school (Crosby 1992, 1).

Another interesting note about Utah’s private schools is that almost 15 percent of the students enrolled in Utah’s private schools are minorities, compared with 8.2 percent of the students in Utah’s public-education system. Many minority parents are concerned about the lack of diversity in Utah’s public schools. In an interview with the Salt Lake Tribune, one parent told the reporter that she “was cautious of putting [her kids] in pubic school because of the lack of diversity. And there are no African American students or teachers” (Crosby 1992, 2).

Another unique factor that affects Utah public schools is that despite a rapidly expanding state population, Utah’s public schools are actually facing a decline in enrollment. Between 1994 and 1995, the actual number of students in public elementary and secondary schools declined in Utah from 474,675 to 473,666 (NCES). This 1000 student drop has been attributed in part to the growing number of families in Utah that are electing to homeschool their children. In 1991, there were approximately 1,500 families that pulled their children out of the public school system and were, instead, schooling them at home. This number has grown since then to nearly 25,000 families today (Lehenhauer 1998, 1).

Still another unique aspect of Utah is its population, which according to 1997 data is approximately 2,017,600. This population is distributed such that three counties in Utah - Salt Lake, Utah, and Davis, contain almost 70 percent of the total population of Utah. This is accentuated even more when one considers that Utah has only 7 cities - Ogden, Orem, Provo, Salt Lake City, Sandy, West Jordan, and West Valley City – with populations greater than 50,000 persons. Excluding these cities, only 25 other cities have populations are greater than 10,000 (Population Estimates Program, US Census 1997). Since there is approximately 464,000 kindergarten through 12th – grade students in Utah going to public schools, this means that there is approximately three students out of every thirteen people in Utah. That limits the amount of growth that there can be within the private school market in Utah. This is especially true when one considers that one third of the people in Utah live outside of the most populous counties.

Consider Tremonton. Its 1996 population is 4680 people. If it has the same composition of students to general population that the rest of Utah has, then there will be a little more than 1,000 kindergarten through 12th - grade students in the city of Tremonton. This is enough students to support one small high school, one medium junior high, and a couple of elementary schools. Even if a family in Tremonton wants to send their child, or children, to a private school, there probably isn’t enough demand, or enough students, to warrant the building of a private school. This gets even more difficult as one heads into Central and Eastern Utah where the towns are even more geographically isolated.

Demographically, Utah is about 70 percent Mormon (Utah Visitor Center 1998, 1), and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has, at least recently, been strongly supportive of the public schools in Utah. Since Mormons represent a majority in Utah, they have felt no real pressing need to form their own elementary or secondary schools. The Mormon church does have a separate university in the State, but seems to prefer to remain completely out of private elementary and secondary education. Instead, it prefers to focus on supplementing high school courses with either early-morning seminary, or release-time seminary. As was mentioned before, about 47 percent of the students in Utah attending private schools attended parochial schools associated with the Catholic church. This would suggest that one of the main incentives of sending a child to a private school in Utah is that parents who are not of the predominant LDS faith would prefer to send their children to schools where their children could feel that they are not being left out. One parent put it this way, “My daughter is not Mormon. She tended to get left out. She wasn’t necessarily ostracized, but the other kids did everything together with the church, so if you’re not a member, your left out” (Crosby 1992, 3).

This creates a problem in Utah, as well as other areas of the country with giving parents vouchers/tuition tax-credits. Since a majority of private schools in Utah are associated with either the Catholic church, or some other type of parochial school, it becomes a politically heated issue whether giving parents vouchers/tuition tax-credits is or is not violating the Constitution’s mandate to separate church and state.

Another trend, which will affect an attempt to change or reform education in Utah, is the growth of ethnic minorities. For the first time, according to an article in the Salt Lake Tribune, whites make up less than 90 percent of the state’s population. This shift has been seen most dramatically in the state’s schools. In the Salt Lake City School District, minority-student enrollment is expected to reach 40 percent by the year 2004. According to the same Salt Lake Tribune report, “between 1984 and 1994 the percentage of minority students, primarily Latinos, grew from 21 percent to 30 percent – a 40 percent increase during a period when the district’s total enrollment grew by only 0.6 percent” (Foster 1998, 1).

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 3

2007-11-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

Arguments Against Free-Market Education

Those who argue against the federal government becoming involved in a free-market education system, with either vouchers or tuition tax credits, argue that first, the selectivity of students will increase the already significant inequality between schools, as private schools cream off the best students. Second, opponents argue that geographic distribution of students by race and class will produce inequitable choices and increase segregation based on both class and race. Third, opponents believe those students with physical, and mental disabilities, and handicaps will not have their needs met under a market-oriented education system. Fourth, opponents argue that the majority of private schools are not-for-profit institutions and, thus, their market incentives are very similar to not-for-profit public schools, and therefore, don’t respond to normal market incentives. Fifth, even if a free education market worked, it would work so that some schools were winners and some were losers. Finally, a free-market type of education system would not be cost-effective in its ability to promote those students in America that are failing the most and need the most help – the inner-city poor and minority.

Australia has already experimented with a market-approach to education and what they have now, is a system where choice schools “resulted in stratification of students by social class. Choice plans result in homogeneous groups stratified by economic levels” (Brown and Contrearas 1991). This type of social stratification goes against the American belief “that every student should have an equal educational opportunity [which] has been a key element n the American political ethos” (Cookson 1991). This then leads to the question, if private schools, especially elite private schools, can transmit advantages to those who attend them, then is it fair to use government money to provide unequal educational opportunities to those who are already in a position where they wouldn’t need these “earned” and unearned advantages? From a public policy perspective there can be little justification to support a system that would increase stratification in our country. This is especially true if the policies result in increased educational opportunities for those who are already advantaged, or if the policies let the best public school students “be ‘creamed off’ by the private schools, leaving the public schools with a higher proportion of underachieving students with less qualified faculties’ (Cookson 1991).

The second reason that opponents to a free-market education system bring up is that, contrary to what James Coleman, et al. might have written about choice giving more opportunity to low-income and minority students, it’s primary purpose is to help middle-class families. In fact, low-income and minority students wouldn’t, on average, receive much of the proposed $1,000 tuition tax credit. This is because in order to receive a tax credit for $1,000 the family must first pay $1,000 or more in taxes. According to Catterell and Levin, minorities have a limited tax liability. “Nearly 15 percent of Hispanics have no tax liability, and a total of nearly 40 percent would be confined to limited or no participation. Blacks would be the least likely participants, since over 22 percent have no tax liability and nearly 50 percent have tax liabilities below the $500 needed to assure full participation in such a tax credit” (1982).

Another problem that would lead to an even greater disparity between the education of middle and upper class members of society, and lower, minority members, is the fact that since tuition credits are set at levels that fall below the level of private school tuition, families with limited resources would need to make up the difference out of their own pocket. This would include, besides the tuition, fees for such things as books, uniforms, activities, supplies.

Third, because the choice system relies upon competition between schools to compete for, or hold on to, students, reforms that would otherwise upgrade education for all children are, often times, ignored (Moore & Davenport 1988). This type of situation is dangerous for the education of students with learning and physical handicaps, as well as other at-risk students. Public schools have been set up to handle, as well as integrate, low achieving, non-English-speaking, and “problem” students. These students, as well as physically and mentally challenged students, are often ignored by private schools that don’t have the funds, time, facilities, or faculty to teach, or serve them. Under competition, these students are at risk of being ignored further, or sorted and pooled into groups that remove their ability to gain a thorough and comprehensive education. Robert Davila, assistant secretary for special education and rehabilitative services, U.S. Department of Education, was quoted in an article by Michael Martin as saying “for some students with handicaps, the denial of necessary transportation would be a violation of their right to a free and appropriate public education” (1991).

Finally, since tuition and other education expenses are due usually in the fall, and tax refunds are only made available the next spring, parents with low income will have a difficult time putting money “up front” to cover tuition and other expenses. This will also adversely affect their ability to participate in the government-supported switch from public to private school. Thus, a free-market approach to education, in the form of tuition tax credits will not entice many poor or minority students from public to private schools. Instead, it will help those who are already attending private school because now the cost of attending has been reduced. It will also be able to help those middle class students who are on the margin of switching from public to private. Thus the benefits, if any, will be felt primarily by the wealthy, and come at a tremendous cost to the poor in our country.

The fourth reason, given by many opponents of a free-market for education, the government shouldn’t try and let competition change the ills plaguing our public schools is the concept is based on a false idea of both private and public schools, and their ability to react to market forces. J. Douglas Willms, pointed out that the “choice between a public or a private education is one of the main elements of family and individual choice in the U.S. educational market place” (1984). This is a market place that, as Willms noted, already includes public and private schools. Frank Brown and A. Reynaldo Contreras described the similarities between private and public schools in their article “Deregulation and Privatization of Education,”

Existing private schools are not-for-profit institutions with incentives similar to those operating in not-for-profit public schools. Without the availability of for-profit entrepreneurial schools, our children will continue to be educated in not-for-profit institutions, public or private (1991).

This aspect of schools is important because it places them in the category of a public service organization. Drucker, in his book Innovation and Entrepreneurship, makes a point that such organizations are nonentrepreneurial and, thus, do not respond to normal market incentives (1985). This means, effectively, that even with choice, there might not be incentives, or the right type of incentives, for schools to improve. The few private, for-profit schools that we do have in the United States have not been around long enough to test the competition concept, as it applies to schools, one way or the other.

Another problem that comes about when viewing a market-approach to education in the United States is the fact that deregulation or free-markets can improve the life of poor and inner-city students. Disadvantaged households, and the students associated with them, cannot protect themselves in the political or educational marketplace (Brown 1990). These students and households are often disadvantaged because they don’t have the voice or the money to insure that their needs are met. Without the right information and the ability to choose correctly, these are the ones who will be hurt the most in a free-market education system.

In her article, “Neither Direction Nor Alternatives,” Gail Thomas explained that private schools, when viewed in the education market weren’t very responsive to changes in tuition levels and family-income increments and that changes in these would have a limited effect on private-school enrollments. She also noted that if, because of a tax credit, etc., there was suddenly more demand for private schooling, private schools would be encouraged to raise their tuition Finally, she went on to say that, “it is unlikely that private-school administrators would be willing to change their curriculum and disciplinary procedures to meet the needs of public school urban youth” (1982). This further shows the problems that will come about if the federal government makes tuition tax credits available to private schools. Prices will increase, and there will be no incentives for private schools to change to meet the need of urban, poor, or minority students. Thereby, increasing the already large disparity between those students attending private schools and those attending public schools.

The final reason opponents of a market-oriented approach to education in the United States wouldn’t work is because the affected target group is small, the outcome even smaller, and the cost exorbitant. According to James Coleman’s own report, if a tax credit of $1,000 were given to the family, thus resulting in a increase of family income by $1,000, then only one half of one percent of the three groups (black, Hispanic, and whites) would shift to private schools. The net result of this shift would be, according to James Catterall and Henry M. Levin, that about 1400 black children and fewer than 1600 Hispanic children from across the nation. When family income of below $12,000 is set as a criterion for delineating the low-income population, fewer than 4,000 students from such families are estimated to shift from public to private schools. Assuming no overlaps between the minority and low income populations in this table (surely an invalid assumption which inflates the total numbers), a target population of only about 6600 minorities and low income students would be affected by the $1,000 bonus and fewer than 20,000 students from all race and income classes would make the shift to private schools (1982).

Catterall and Levin also point out that, if 10 million families house the 15 million students in secondary school, then Coleman’s $1,000 tuition tax credit could end up costing, when divided among the 20,000 students who decided to switch from public to private schools, up to $500,000 for each new student who decided to switch (1982). This number jumps to $1.6 million per student if you only count the target low-income and minority students that Coleman wrote about.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 2

2007-11-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

Arguments For Free-Market Education

Those who argue for public subsidies for private schools argue that vouchers, or tuition tax credits should be used to give parents more choice in how and where their children are educated. They believe first, that a market-oriented approach to education would require less bureaucracy and give more school level autonomy. Second, they feel that staff motivation, leadership, and morale would improve. Third, under choice, parents would be more involved in the education of their children. Fourth, pro-choice advocates feel that student achievement would increase under a market-oriented education system. Finally, pro-choice advocates feel that under a choice system, market forces would help to reduce costs and increase efficiency.

The first argument for more market-type choice in elementary and secondary education is that private schools, which compete with each other, as well as with “free” public schools, tend to eliminate much of the bureaucratic waste associated with America’s public school system. One of the main academic arguments for a more market-oriented approach to education comes from a study done by John Chubb and Terry Moe. In their study, they found that private schools have considerably less obstruction from outside actors (e.g., school boards) or central office staff in personal and administrative decisions (1990). This gave private schools more flexibility, and because they were market driven made them more competitive, and thus more productive. David Henderson, in “The Case for School Choice,” also reports that private schools are less bureaucratic than public schools. The evidence he uses to support this is that “New York City public schools, for example, employ six thousand central office personnel, or one administrator for every 150 students. The Catholic Schools of the Archdiocese of New York, which is the twelfth-largest school system in the country, has only thirty central office personnel, or one administrator for every four thousand students” (1993). One of the primary ideas underlying these and other similar arguments is that “in order for the [education] system to improve, much more than incremental tinkering must be done; the institutions of public education must be forced to undergo dramatic change. The principle element of this change is to make the organizations of public education responsive to market forces” (Rofes 1992, 508). Perhaps the biggest assumption found in these arguments is that schools, either public or private, will actually react to market forces.

The second argument made for public funding of private institutions is that the market-oriented approach would motivate both teaching and administrative staff. Troy Segal, et al., reported, in a special education issue of Business Week that, “One of the consistent themes in current reforms is individualism: individual management for the school, individual power for the teacher, individual attention for the child – all with the aim of providing a good education for all children” (1992). Many school choice advocates believe that “educators in public schools are constrained by bureaucracy from acting to improve the conditions of education. They assert that, in contrast, principles and teachers in private schools enjoy greater autonomy and have more control over significant decisions like teaching methods, curriculum and personnel. Consequently, private schools produce a higher quality educational experience for the students” (Glass 1997).

The third argument for public funding of private institutions is that the increase in parental choice in their children’s education will encourage parent’s to become more involved in the overall education experience of their children. Valerie Martinez, Kenneth Godwin, and Frank R. Kemerer, conducted a survey in San Antonio, Texas to find out if parents who enrolled their child in San Antonio’s experimental choice program have become more involved in their child’s school. According to Martinez, Godwin, and Kemerer, the “results showed that choosing parents were significantly more satisfied with their children’s schools, more active in school functions, and more involved in their children’s homework and other educational activities than nonchoosing parents” (1993). This is an important study, since much recent research has shown that it is parental involvement in a child’s education that leads to the greatest lasting benefits. Jeanne H. Ballantine noted in her book The Sociology of Education that one “of the most important ingredients in a child’s success in school is the degree of parental involvement in the educational process of the child” (1997).

The fourth argument for public funding (vouchers, tuition tax credits, etc.) of private schools, and thus parental choice is that student achievement, when controlling for external factors such as parent’s income, support, involvement, etc., is higher in private schools than in public schools. This hypothesis found support with James Coleman, et al. in their report “Public and Private Schools,” and in their article “Cognitive Outcomes in Public and Private Schools.” Using figures from the “High School and Beyond” longitudinal study, commissioned by the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), Coleman found that their study provides “strong evidence that there is, in vocabulary and mathematics, higher achievement for comparable students in Catholic and other-private schools than in public” (1982).

This was also found to hold true in Australia, where one fourth of school-aged children are educated in some form of private school. Trevor Williams and Peter G. Carpenter found that, even after adjusting for external inputs (parent’s background, family income, etc), “private sector schools in the aggregate show substantially higher rates of graduation from Year 12 – relative to government schools an increase of between 5 and 10% for those from Catholic schools and an increase of 20% for those from independent schools.” Also, “the sectoral effects on participation in higher education are consistent and favor the non-governmental schools” (1990).

Those who argue for a market-approach to education in the United States, argue that with choice, parent’s and the government are able to get more bang for their education buck. According to data from the Education Department, and College Board, reported in Business Week, our nation has seen the average expenditure per public school student, in real dollars, go from approximately $2,800 in 1970, to over $5,000 in 1992. During this same time average SAT scores for college-bound seniors has declined from an average of 490 for math and 460 for English, in 1970, to 478 in math and 422 in English (1992). What this basically means is that after 20 years, in real dollars, we are spending twice as much, but not getting the scores we had 20 years ago.

Cornell University economist John H. Bishop, in the American Economic Review, estimates that because of the national test-score decline that began in 1967, U.S. gross national product in 1987 was $86 billion lower than otherwise. He also estimates that the present value, in 1989 dollars, of this loss is about $3.2 trillion, which is approximately three-quarters of 1987’s GNP (1989).

In a system where schools are forced to compete in the education market, advocates feel that teachers and administrators will seek to educate students better, and for less money. Private schools are often used as examples. Government figures show that 67 percent of all private elementary and secondary schools nationwide charged $2,500 or less. Government figures also reveal that the average tuition for private schools is, as of 1993-1994, $3,116. This is more than half of what the government spends per student in the nation’s public schools, which during the same time was $6,857 (U.S. Department of Education 1995). So, according to these figures, even if private schools were only able to educate students at a level equal to public schools, with half the cost, after using a cost-benefit type analysis it would be easy to see that private schools offer twice as much as public schools.

Values, Vouchers and Education Reform in Utah, Pt. 1

2007-11-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

Introduction

The last few years have seen the questions surrounding the public funding of private schools, emerge as large and heavily debated education and public policy issues. Government reports like Why Johnny Can’t Read, and A Nation at Risk have pointed to many of the ways our nation’s schools are failing our children. Economists such as Milton Friedman and Gary S. Becker began promoting the idea that education vouchers, and tuition tax credits, based on a libertarian, free-market approach to education could remedy many of America’s education ills. Friedman argued that the inefficiencies of public education could be eliminated in a competitive, free-market education system (1962). In Friedman’s system, public schools would be forced to compete with other public schools as well as private schools for students, and thus federal dollars. Those schools that could be attract and keep students would thrive, while those that couldn’t, would die, and be replaced. Becker argues that a “voucher system would expand private schools, increase the competitive pressure on the public school system, and thus promote change” (Becker 1996, 30).

Academics, like James S. Coleman, have also supported this free-market education argument. In ”Public and Private Schools,” Coleman et al note that, with comparable students, “private schools produce better cognitive outcomes than do public schools…[and] private schools encourage interest in higher education and lead more of their students to attend college than do public schools” (1982).

This paper will attempt to explore some of the underlying assumptions and values on both sides of the education voucher debate. Using both the classic academic arguments for and against free-market education reform, it will then attempt to evaluate the benefits surrounding a Utah-specific education reform model that seeks to produce an increase in net benefits to the population of Utah. This paper will not, however, just evaluate the merits of the traditional reform model, which are based almost entirely on the “supply side” of the provision of public goods, but will also focus on the less explored “demand side” of the education market. In order to combine the reform models into a Utah-specific model, I will also use information and attitudes about education in Utah. This paper will then look at the areas of reform which are necessary to meet the specific needs of Utah’s public and private schools as well as the general Utah population.

The second part of this paper will then use Frank Fischer's basic model for policy evaluation to look at the normative assumptions and societal consequences surrounding education vouchers.

This paper will seek to examine the role that normative assumptions play in the continuing debate over not only vouchers, but also the definition of public education in the United States to show whether education vouchers are compatible and instrumental to the existing societal arrangements of public education in the U.S..

Using Fisher’s Societal-level Vindication as a framework, the second part of this paper will explore the following questions with respect to vouchers and market-based education reform:

Do education vouchers have instrumental or contributive value for society as a whole?
Do education vouchers (and its normative assumptions) result in unanticipated problems with important societal consequences?
Does a commitment to education vouchers lead to consequences that are equitably distributed?

Politics of Vouchers in Education

2007-11-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

The politics surrounding the idea of using federally distributed vouchers in education is almost as diverse as the political landscape of the United States itself. There are numerous political forces that argue that a top-heavy bureaucracy is one of the corroding problems of the U.S. government. They then attempt to extend this disease metaphor to include the institution of public education. There is, however, another broad group that feels that the free-market approach to education will expose many children and families, already marginalized, to an education that fails to meet their many needs.

Those who argue against the federal government becoming involved in a free-market education system, argue that: first, the selectivity of students will increase inequality between schools, as private schools cream off the best and brightest students. Second, opponents argue that geographic distribution of students by race and class will produce inequitable choices and increase segregation based on both class and race. Third, opponents of federally distributed education vouchers believe those students with physical, and mental disabilities, and handicaps will not have their needs met under a market-oriented education system. Fourth, some opponents argue that the majority of private schools are not-for-profit institutions and, thus, their market incentives are very similar to not-for-profit public schools, and therefore, don’t respond to normal market incentives. Fifth, even if a free education market worked, it would work so that some schools were winners and some were losers. Finally, a free-market type of education system would not be cost-effective in its ability to promote those students in America that are failing the most and need the most help – the inner-city poor and minority.

Australia has already experimented with a market-approach to education and what they have now, is a system where choice schools “resulted in stratification of students by social class. Choice plans result in homogeneous groups stratified by economic levels” (Brown and Contrearas 1991). This type of social stratification goes against the deeply held American value “that every student should have an equal educational opportunity [which] has been a key element in the American political ethos” (Cookson 1991). This then leads to the question, if private schools, especially elite private schools, can transmit advantages to those who attend them, then is it fair to use government money to provide unequal educational opportunities to those who are already in a position where they wouldn’t need these “earned” and unearned advantages? From a political perspective there can be little justification to support a system that would increase stratification in our country. This is especially true if the policies result in increased educational opportunities for those who are already advantaged, or if the policies let the best public school students “be ‘creamed off’ by the private schools, leaving the public schools with a higher proportion of underachieving students with less qualified faculties’ (Cookson 1991).

The second reason that opponents to a free-market education system bring up is that, contrary to what James Coleman, et al. might have written about choice giving more opportunity to low-income and minority students, its primary purpose is to help middle-class families. In fact, low-income and minority students wouldn’t, on average, receive much of the proposed $1,000 tuition tax credit. This is because in order to receive a tax credit for $1,000 the family must first pay $1,000 or more in taxes. According to Catterell and Levin, minorities have a limited tax liability. “Nearly 15 percent of Hispanics have no tax liability, and a total of nearly 40 percent would be confined to limited or no participation. Blacks would be the least likely participants, since over 22 percent have no tax liability and nearly 50 percent have tax liabilities below the $500 needed to assure full participation in such a tax credit” (1982).

Another problem that would lead to an even greater disparity between the education of middle and upper class members of society, and lower, minority members, is the fact that since tuition credits are set at levels that fall below the level of private school tuition, families with limited resources would need to make up the difference out of their own pocket. This would include, besides the tuition, fees for such things as books, uniforms, activities, and supplies.

Since the choice system relies upon competition between schools to compete for, or hold on to, students, reforms that would otherwise upgrade education for all children are often ignored (Moore & Davenport 1988). This type of situation is dangerous for the education of students with learning and physical handicaps, as well as other at-risk students. Public schools have been set up to handle, as well as integrate, low achieving, non-English-speaking, and “problem” students. These students, as well as physically and mentally challenged students, are often ignored by private schools that don’t have the funds, time, facilities, or faculty to teach or serve them. Under competition, these students are at risk of being ignored further, or sorted and pooled into groups that remove their ability to gain a thorough and comprehensive education. Robert Davila, assistant secretary for special education and rehabilitative services, at the U.S. Department of Education, was quoted in an article by Michael Martin as saying “for some students with handicaps, the denial of necessary transportation would be a violation of their right to a free and appropriate public education” (1991).

Finally, since tuition and other education expenses are due usually in the fall, and tax refunds are only made available the next spring, parents with low income would have a difficult time putting money “up front” to cover tuition and other expenses. This will also adversely affect their ability to participate in the government-supported switch from public to private school. Thus, a free-market approach to education, in the form of tuition tax credits will not entice many poor or minority students from public to private schools. Instead, it will help those who are already attending private school because now the cost of attending has been reduced. It will also be able to help those middle class students who are on the margin of switching from public to private. Thus the benefits, if any, will be felt primarily by the wealthy, and come at a tremendous cost to the poor in our country.

The fourth reason, given by many opponents of a free-market for education, why the government shouldn’t try and let competition change the ‘ills plaguing our public schools’ is the concept is based on a false idea of both private and public schools, and their ability to react to market forces. J. Douglas Willms, pointed out that the “choice between a public or a private education is one of the main elements of family and individual choice in the U.S. educational market place” (1984). This is a market place that, as Willms noted, already includes public and private schools. Frank Brown and A. Reynaldo Contreras described the similarities between private and public schools in their article “Deregulation and Privatization of Education,”
Existing private schools are not-for-profit institutions with incentives similar to those operating in not-for-profit public schools. Without the availability of for-profit entrepreneurial schools, our children will continue to be educated in not-for-profit institutions, public or private (1991).

This aspect of schools is important because it places them in the category of a public service organization. Drucker, in his book Innovation and Entrepreneurship, makes a point that such organizations are nonentrepreneurial and, thus, do not respond to normal market incentives (1985). This means, effectively, that even with choice, there might not be incentives, or the right type of incentives, for schools to improve. The few private, for-profit schools that we do have in the United States have not been around long enough to test the competition concept, as it applies to schools, one way or the other.

Another problem that comes about when viewing a market-approach to education in the United States is the fact that deregulation or free-markets can improve the life of poor and inner-city students. Disadvantaged households, and the students associated with them, cannot protect themselves in the political or educational marketplace (Brown 1990). These students and households are often disadvantaged because they don’t have the voice or the money to insure that their needs are met. Without the right information and the ability to choose correctly, these are the ones who will be hurt the most in a free-market education system.

In her article, “Neither Direction Nor Alternatives,” Gail Thomas explained that private schools, when viewed in the education market weren’t very responsive to changes in tuition levels and family-income increments and that changes in these would have a limited effect on private-school enrollments. She also noted that if, because of a tax credit, etc., there was suddenly more demand for private schooling, private schools would be encouraged to raise their tuition Finally, she went on to say that, “it is unlikely that private-school administrators would be willing to change their curriculum and disciplinary procedures to meet the needs of public school urban youth” (1982). This further shows the problems that will come about if the federal government makes tuition tax credits available to private schools. Prices will increase, and there will be no incentives for private schools to change to meet the need of urban, poor, or minority students. This increase in price will unquestionably increase the already large disparity between those students attending private schools and those attending public schools.

The final reason that a market-oriented approach to education in the United States wouldn’t work is because the affected target group is small, the outcome even smaller, and the cost exorbitant. According to James Coleman’s own report, if a tax credit of $1,000 were given to a minority family, thus resulting in a increase of family income by $1,000, then only one half of one percent of the three groups (black, Hispanic, and whites) would shift to private schools. The net result of this shift would be, according to James Catterall and Henry M. Levin, that about 1400 black children and fewer than 1600 Hispanic children from across the nation. When family income of below $12,000 is set as a criterion for delineating the low-income population, fewer than 4,000 students from such families are estimated to shift from public to private schools. Assuming no overlaps between the minority and low income populations in this table (surely an invalid assumption which inflates the total numbers), a target population of only about 6600 minorities and low income students would be affected by the $1,000 bonus and fewer than 20,000 students from all race and income classes would make the shift to private schools (1982).

Catterall and Levin also point out that, if 10 million families house the 15 million students in secondary school, then Coleman’s $1,000 tuition tax credit could end up costing, when divided among the 20,000 students who decided to switch from public to private schools, up to $500,000 for each new student who decided to switch (1982). This number jumps to $1.6 million per student if you one counts the target low-income and minority students that Coleman wrote about.

This huge disparity seems to sum up a few of the political problems which would certainly result from a federally distributed voucher program. It would cost a significant amount of money. This is money that could be used to buy books, pay teachers, or fix aging schools. It would end up benefiting those families with students already attending private school, and would not (as some protest it would) help the poor. It is hard not to be skeptical of the political forces driving a reform that would basically help privileged students, while at the same time harming and marginalizing the poor and disadvantaged.

Works Cited

Brown, Frank. 1990. “The language of politics, education, and the disadvantaged.” Pp. 83-100 in
Educational Leadership in an Age of Reform, edited by S.L. Jacobson, and J.A. Conway. New York: Longman.

Brown, Frank, and A. Reynaldo Contreras. 1991. Deregulation and privatization of education: A
flawed concept. Education and Urban Society 23, no. 2. (February): 144-158.

Catterell, James S., and Henry M. Levin. 1982. Public and private schools: Evidence on tuition tax credits. Sociology of Education 55 (April/July): 144-151.

Coleman, James S., Sally B. Kilgore, and Thomas Hoffer. 1982. Public and private schools.
Society 19: 4-9.

----------. 1982. Cognitive outcomes in public and private schools. Sociology of Education 55
(April/July): 65-76.

Cookson, Jr., Peter W. 1991. Private schooling and equity: Dilemmas of choice. Education and
Urban Society 23, no. 2 (February): 185-199.

Drucker, P.F. 1985. Innovation and Entrepreneurship. New York: Harper & Row.

Martin, Michael. 1991. Trading the known for the unknown: Warning signs in the debate over
schools of choice.” Education and Urban Society 23, no. 2. (February): 119-143.

Moore, D.R., and S. Davenport. 1988. High school choice and students at-risk. Newsletter of the
National Center on Effective Secondary Schools, 3(2): 2-4.

Thomas, Gail E. 1982. Neither direction nor alternatives. Society 19: 11-14.

Willms, J. Douglas. 1984. School effectiveness within the public and private sectors: An
evaluation. Evaluation Review 8, no.1 (February): 113-135.

A Not So Funny Post on the Funnies

2007-10-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

I'm typically not a fan of the funnies, but...

Wait, let me back up first.

If you're new to this blog (heck, everyone posting -- aka me and reading aka you -- is new to this blog, sorry) I'm cheap. Or, for those of you who need me to be more detailed, I'm severely price-sensitive on disposables (paper plates, and newspapers) as well as on depreciating assets (cars, plastic surgery, tattoos, and computers).

For example, Jeni and I don't get the Sunday paper, because economically, it makes just as much sense to pay for the standard weekly rate, than the rate for just a Sunday paper, and I'm not going to pay for a whole 7-days worth of the Arizona Republic thank you very much.

The Arizona Bleep isn't much good (and it still is a helluva step up from the East Valley Tribune). I know this is going to make me sound a like a transplanted, East-coast elite, but I'm not going to pay a dime for a printed paper that isn't the Washington Post (or as my Fox TV watching dad calls it, the Washington Bleep) or the New York Times.

In college I used to get the New York Times, because it was cheap for students (Jeni didn't like it because...ehem...no funnies) and had great political articles, especially on international issues. When we lived in Virginia I'd get the Post because it was a solid paper and usually relevant to what I did daily (at the time I worked in state government).

One area, however, where Jeni and I still disagree upon is the worth of the Sunday comics/funnies. It is the first thing she goes towards when we visit her parents on Sunday, and I typically avoid it all together. After Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side were discontinued, there weren't many comics that actually spoke to me. OK, that's not exactly true, I still like Dilbert, the Boondocks, Doonsebury and Get Fuzzy too. But overall, I grew up, grabbed the business section and shelved the whole lot of 'em.

All that being said, I LOVE; indeed with a PASSION, I love - Opus. Especially, the whole religious-themed tangent Berkeley Breathed has been on this late Summer and Fall. One of my favorite comics of all time is: What's the center of it all?

Anyway, I've got to jet, my son's Boba Fett tonight for Halloween, and he's still miffed we made him be P.J. Funny Bunny for the 1st Grade Lit Parade.
"How was the Literature Parade, Jakob? I heard you won an award for
your costume and got to be the line leader."

"Yeah, I don't want to talk about it. Nicholas got to be Obi Wan and you made me be a bunny with a bow tie."

Adam Smith Sleeps on the Couch Again

2007-10-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

A True Story:

Jeni and I were getting ready for bed a couple years ago. I rolled over, and before the lights went out, (they don't actually passively go out; either Jeni or I actually turn them off, but to say that would add a certain useless drama to this story...plus to just say they went out makes it sound more like a fairy tale or fable) I said,

"Jeni, I've been thinking, do you realize that if we hadn't had the kids...we'd be 10 years economically ahead of where we are now?"

Jeni didn't say anything, so I took that as a sign of interest, a cue to continue.

"Yeah, it works out to be about 5 years for each kid (at the time Jakob and Emmeline were 4 and 3 respectively). It used to be more like 5 years for Jakob and only 3 years for Emme, but with her being a girl, and all the fru fru stuff she requires, she's quickly catching upto Jakob's healthcare costs."

Before I could close this economic sonnet with my killer couplet that would bring this all together. Before I could make it into a verbal love letter of a conversation about our children. Before I could say, "despite all these material costs babe, I wouldn't change a thing, because of the intangible benefits of those cute little kids has made me rich beyond my 30 years." Yeah, before that came out, Jeni rolled over and shot lasers out of her icey blue eyes.

Jeni then spoke in a tone I've never heard her use before. It didn't sound like she was angry, she didn't sound uninterested, but there was a certain gravitas to her voice that made all the hairs on my neck stand up. I'm sure, looking back, this is what behavioral biologists would call a acute stress response or flight or fright response. But, I wasn't an animal and Jeni certainly understood me. She probably already knew where I was going with this. And, if not, I could explain my analysis to a rational woman that understands my methods.

"Are you saying Robert, that you've done a cost-benefit analysis on MY
CHILDREN?"

"Yeah, but Jeni my point is that..."

"How long have
you been working the numbers on what our children COST?"

"Uhh"

Oh, crap, I should have run. This isn't right, this is a love letter about our children, done in a logical way. I'm simply stating a generalized idea that even the Department of Agriculture has monitarized. Kids are expensive. We are middle class, and so, by the time our kids are 17, we would should expect to have shelled out um...$269,520 for each of them. And I'm fine with the fact that I will shell out over $500k during the next 15 - 17 years, because they are TOTALLY worth it. But the poetry that was my reasoning, the words that were supposed to tuck my wife into bed were trapped. I choked, but again Jeni pressed.

"Are you saying you've done a cost-benefit analysis on MY CHILDREN?"

Come on Robert, think fast. Shift the blame to the Dept. of Agriculture, or somewhere. Do something. She now isn't just mad, she expects you to say something.

"Well, Jeni, of course...But...I've done one on you too."

I totally misjudged the cost of that comment. I'm still paying daily for that night. That is perhaps, the most expensive night of my life (Jeni even has a pet name for that night and she doesn't even have a pet name for our WEDDING night), and I've been hospitalized at Johns Hopkins, hooked up to all sorts of fancy machinery. Those costs were born mainly by a pool of people paying into a group health plan. I get to pay for that cost-benefit analysis all by myself. I should hopefully have it paid off in 15 to 25 years.

I Ain't Saying He's a Gold Digger

2007-10-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

I've currently begun to "bribe" my son with the new presidential gold dollars. I go to the bank, pick up a roll of $25 for $25. And dole them out for minor tasks around the house.

We print out a work-chart for something he wants. A month ago it was Star Wars Legos 2 the video game. $20 at Target. We even made a graph that he would fill-in and everything.

So, here are some benefits and some costs.

One large benefit is he thinks gold dollars are more valuable currency-wise than boring old paper dollars or the four quarter equivalent. So, I'm able to extract more work from him. If I were to say, "Jakob go in the backyard with the metal detector and when you find 40 rusty nails, I'll give you four quarters," he would just tell me to "punch off." However, the gold dollar has a certain magnetism for youth, and I'm willing to exploit this obvious economic ignorance. Which means, I get more work marginally from my son. I'm sorry people, this is a cold cold world we live in.

There are costs, however, to this arrangement. Although Jakob exists in a self-created fantasy about the real worth of the "gold dollar," he is still a shrewed and ruthless entrepreneur. Everything is now up for grabs.

I ask him to do something around the house, and his enthusiasm is determined on whether it is a money job or not.

"Jakob, take the trash out."
"Is this a money Job?"
"No Jakob, this is a chore, not a money job."

He then drags his feet, and idles away.

"Come here Jakob and give your daddy a kiss goodnight."
"Is that a money job?"

Or, my favorite recently:

"Dad, I have to go pee pee, can I get a gold dollar?"

At first I thought this was ridiculous and just something a normal 1st grader would say, but then I looked into his unwavering eyes, and I realized my son was not just exploiting ME, he was extorting. I felt the invisible hand of Adam Smith slap me hard.

"OK Jakob, just please remember to flush."

US Home Foreclosures = Tortured Withdrawl from Iraq Metaphor

2007-10-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

The House-Senate Joint Economic Committee. recently issued a report that said roughly 2 Million home foreclosures could occur between 2007 and 2009, destroying nearly $71 Billion (Dr. Evil look - pinkie on the mouth - "Yes folks 71 Billion") of housing wealth in the US, if problems in the subprime mortgage market are not checked.

$1 Billion of property tax revenue will also be lost due to the growing number of foreclosures. 14 US states are expected to suffer more than $2 Billion in overall economic costs due to foreclosures by 2009.

Those unfortunate states are: Arizona, California, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas and Virginia. California alone is expected to suffer more than $23 Billion in economic costs due to problems in the subprime market.

I'm not writing a piece, however, about people losing gobs of money on their homes, or just losing their homes, or the government losing tax revenue. I'm just starting with this government report, because it draws a painful enough picture of the general US economic situation, both macro and micro, for me to use it to paint by numbers another picture in your head.

So, here is my thesis, to quote something I am saying for the first time:

The US government's decision-making process on withdrawal/continuation of
the War in Iraq will begin to, more and more, resemble individual US
household decision-making on whether or not to foreclose on their home.
The JEC report press conference included a small reference to IRAQ, a chart actually, that showed how 1-day of spending in Iraq could help 130,000 families stay in their home. That my friends, who slept through Econ 101, is called a freakin' huge opportunity cost. OK. Maybe you didn't have my econ professor.

When a family finds themselves looking down the gun (that is a literary foreshadow) at foreclosure, they are generally facing the following economic challenges and/or realities:

They originally bought more home than they could reasonably afford.
They were overly/extremely optimistic in their future earnings being able to cover the monthly costs of the home, and/or future price appreciation of the home.
Other life events such as the loss of a job, divorce, additional children now make the current home's price unreasonable.
They run out of other debt-spending options to make up the difference.
They financed the home in a way that didn't take into consideration the true costs of the home and the real risks of the market.
They are unwilling to sell and make up the difference with personal wealth, or debt capacity, or they -- in fact -- cannot sell the home.
The cost of keeping the house now equals the negative costs (economic/moral/social) of letting the bank(s) repossess their home.

Now here is what my plan is.

I really like the idea of keeping this list to seven bullets because seven represents a form of historical sacred completeness. Seven days in the week, seven deadly sins, seven Greek sages, seven provinces of China, seven planets in hoary antiquity, Constantinople even had seven names, and so on...wait that's only six examples. OK., um well, the Pythagoreans considered the figure seven as both the image and model of the divine order and harmony in nature. It was the number containing twice the sacred number three or the "triad," to which the "one" or the divine monad was added: 3 + 1 + 3. As my son Jakob would say, that's seven Dad.

What I'm planning is taking each of these points and developing them over the next week or so.

Those of you who started reading my posts with the idea that Rob only rants about funny things, are certainly bound to be disappointed. I'm serious as a ... a ... well, I'm serious 7 x 7.

Makes Me Regret My Bow Tie Monday/Friday Rule, Almost

2007-10-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

Look at all the lawyers the WSJ found who wear bow ties.

I wonder how much litigation they share between them?
Have they ever lost or recused themselves from a case because of their own personal bias towards bow ties?
What was the opportunity cost they had teaching themselves the proper technique on how to tie their own bow tie?
Does Justice Stevens really tie that sucker himself, or is that a needed qualification of anyone clerking for him?
Do they get the same crap I do from their peers?

It reminds me of the Oscar Wilde quote:

"With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stock broker,
can gain a reputation for being civilized." from A Picture Of
Dorian Gray, 1891.

Anyway, I'm enjoying my bow tie phase. I kinda feel I have to carry the attention whore torch now that Tucker Carlson has gone straight. Sorry Tucker. What a wimp.

The Dangers of Scriptural and Literary Misinterpretations

2007-10-26T21:28:00.001-07:00

Recently, I was in Mexico and ended up in the old market area of PUERTO PEÑASCO. It got me thinking of an old mistake I had made 20 years ago. I bring up my mistake so that you may not travel the same dirty road I did. I write it down so you may learn from my errors. That you might understand that I wasn't always the genius you see standing before you today. Role tape please:

I remember the first time I attempted to read the scriptures. Specifically, the Doctrine and Covenants. I was 11 and my vocabulary and certain other aspects of my mental and physical self hadn't fully developed. Come on, give me a break. I'm a late bloomer. Anyway, I remember coming across D&C 76: 103 which reads:

"These are they who are liars, and sorcerers, and adulterers, and whoremongers, and whosoever loves and makes a lie."

OK Rob, take it slow and break it down. God doesn't approve of those who lie, do magic, cheat, or apparently also those that mong whores. I had recently learned what a prostitute was, and I personally found the whole business (not the supply & demand business, I'm talking about the whole arena it filled) just messy, dirty, and a little scary.

But now, now I had a new word. I could go to school and tell someone to just mong themselves. Or, even better, I could bait my older brother, "Hey Marc you're a dumb, butt-head monger ka-fart." Don't ask me about the ka-fart part...I threw that onto most of my insults like an angry exclamation point after a word I didn't quite understand. "Shut up you fascist Ka-fart."

Anyway, my life was simple then. I cherished my potty mouth. I think it was my lack of a proper vocabulary that prompted my mother to buy me The Complete Works of Shakespeare out of shear maternal desperation. So you can then imagine my horror to be reading Hamlet and come across Hamlet taunting Polonius, here let's read a couple lines:

POLONIUS

173 Do you know me, my lord?

HAMLET

174 Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.

POLONIUS

175 Not I, my lord.

HAMLET

176 Then I would you were so honest a man.

Now stay with me, this isn't English class. This is similar to something else I've read before. We are talking about lords, lies and mongers. I remember something about a mong...uh wait isn't a whoremonger someone who "MONGS" whores? Then...a fishmonger...Holy Ka-FART, my mom gave me THIS book? This is SICK stuff. Who would do that kinda nasty, twisted, and ungodly thing to a fish?

Yes indeed, for about two days, Shakespeare had turned me completely off the whole fish industry. I didn't pine anymore for halibut steaks with lemon pepper, or tuna fish and cucumber sandwiches, or even the simple delight of those red Swedish Fish candies. They all seem tainted with the mercury of scriptural perversion.

I finally had the courage to ask my brother Marc about it. He explained after about choking to death on his Mountain Dew. I think he laughed for a whole week about it, stopping only to beat my arm till I bruised and only permanently stopping after I thanked him for not using a closed fist.

Top 10 Warning Signs Your Mormon Housewife is Infatuated with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

2007-10-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

You suddenly notice an extra shelf of food storage in your basement devoted to Humus, Lentils, and Olive Oil.
She keeps singing the lyrics to Adam Sandberg's "I - Ran So Far Away."
She has made a scrapbook page called "My Mayor of Tehran."
She now calls Calvin and Hobbes, Infidel and Infidel.
During your last meeting with your financial advisor she asked what it would cost to send your two kids to BYU-Tehran.
The kids can now quote Disney's Aladdin by heart.
She has suddenly expressed interest in nuclear physics and although you've been diabetic for 20 years, she keeps insisting on making you some yellowcake (U3O8) for your birthday.
She keeps telling your friends you served honorably in the Iran Tehran Mission.
She recently picked you up a grey suit at Deseret Industries. She tells you it was "Made in Persia."
Whenever the kids are loud she smiles and calls them silly student protesters.

BTW, this fab pic can be found on: http://www.coxandforkum.com/

Radical Prima-Fascism Alive in the Midwest

2007-10-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

Recently I've become aware of a growing terrorist threat to our US national security. Monkeys. One, which, the government is preparing for, yet the MSM with their East Coast, liberal, pinko-prima bias keep on the downlow.

Perhaps, it was the inevitable spread of primate-based fascism that the Bush administration -- specifically those placed by the Karl Rove in high positions in the the KMFDM section of the US Department of Homeland Security -- were warning us about in their prophetic position paper, "Urban Monkey Warfare."

Bucking the trend of silence, Slate.com recently published a manual-of-sorts on how to defend yourself against attacking monkeys.

A number of well-publicized and international cases in point:

The deputy mayor of New Delhi (that is in India folks) has died after being attacked by wild monkeys at his home this week.

On Aug. 29, 2006, on Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe and crew are viciously attacked by a radicalized, anti-American monkey. Although filmed in S. Africa, the monkey, I believe was trained in a camp in either Sudan or Lebanon.

In 2001, Salon.com reported on the Monkey-Man, where "two New Delhi suburbs began reporting attacks by a mysterious creature. The attacks always came in the dead of night, scratchings and bitings that weren't exactly human and weren't exactly simian. The monster is hirsute, but his claws are consistently metallic. Sometimes he wears glasses, other times a helmet. He's too big to be an ape -- he's described as 4 or 5 feet tall -- but he leaps, growls and bites like one. "

While serving as a LDS missionary in Scottsbluff, NE in 1993, I volunteered 2-days a week at the Riverside Zoo. There my companion and I routinely witnessed chimpanzees preparing for something foul and ugly almost everyday in the Chimp Building. The oldest troglodyte, I remember, would always sit motionless staring with an intense anti-American hatred right at me (he was also strangely addicted to coprophagia, which although disgusting is apparently widely practiced in Western Nebraska and parts of Kansas among many primates).

Lucky for us Kansas is well prepared for this eventual monkey onslaught. Since 2005, the Kansas State Board of Education has been actively seeking to ban the teaching of evolution in schools and would like to put all prima-fascists in Zoos where they can't attack or corrupt children.

How the PKK Saved My Life!

2007-10-23T20:52:00.001-07:00

Ok, so technically it wasn't the PKK (it was Dev Sol), but back in Feb 28, 1991 I was living with my family in Izmir, Turkey during the first gulf war and I didn't know any better. Both were Marxist terrorist organizations whose red flags had stars in them. Both groups were blowing crap up in Izmir, Turkey. I didn't know the difference when I was 17. I didn't care to know.

Anyway, I still vividly remember watching that "amazing" footage of laser-guided bombs dropping on buildings and bridges on CNN while sprawled out on our couch in our small Turkish apartment in the MithatPasha neighborhood of Izmir.

All of a sudden, I had a fantastic pain in my chest (later diagnosed as a spontaneous tension pneumothorax). My dad threw me, literally in our Jeep Cherokee and sped towards the hospital which was 1/2 hour away in the Alsanjak neighborhood. We flew, probably hitting a few Turkish Haci Murats on the way. Every minute it was harder to breath and I was doing a mental list of who would get what (Marc gets my music, Matt my books, Mare gets all my cool eclectics).

We showed up to the hospital during the hours when usually there was only a small vestige of the day-staff working; nurses, and maybe some orderly types. However, when they wheeled me into the x-ray room, it was obvious that something different had happened. There was a giant pool of blood on the floor near the x-ray wall bucky. Either they weren't very good orderlies or someone before me had a bigger problem than mine.

A US Air Force Lt Col. comptroller assigned to NATO HQ Allied Land Forces South - Eastern (LSE) in Izmir had been shot earlier in the evening after walking home from work. The bullet had traveled through his face, through his front door, and landed in his apartment. From the rumors I heard later, he had turned, thrown his briefcase at his attackers and chased the two Dev Sol terrorists down 3-4 flights of steps until they disappeared into the night and he eventually collapsed from blood loss.

When we made it to the hospital I had mere minutes left before both my lungs collapsed. Within seconds of my x-ray, a Turkish doctor was tearing off my shirt and inserting a chest tube (sans anesthesia) into my chest. The end of the tube was unceremoniously dropped into a bucket of water, thus creating a very simple, but effective heimlich valve.

Thank you PKK/Dev Sol terrorists whoever you are, you saved my life.

Actually, my real thanks is directed at Lt. Col Mackie. You don't know who I am Sir, but you and I shared a small room in a quiet and significantly understaffed hospital in Turkey and a free life-fight from Turkey to Germany. Your amazing fight to live increased dramatically my chances of survival that day. I'm writing and breathing today largely because of you.

What I'm Currently Reading

2007-10-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

Coming into the Country by John McPhee

Lenin's Tomb: The Last Days of the Soviet Empire by David Remnick

The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable by Nassim Taleb

1. I'm loving this 30 year-old masterpiece on Alaska. McPhee originally published some of this book in the New Yorker, but this isn't one of those, "hey this essay is really long and if I combine it with something else and put it together, it might make a great book of essays." It is a Master -- freakin' -- Piece of both place and people.

If you haven't read it, well um ok. So you haven't read it, but you should. I love (how High School Musical of me) how descriptive he is. It isn't like he needs $1 words to tell you exactly what he's looking at. He can do more with the verbal pennies in your pocket than the $20 you've stashed behind your insurance card in your wallet.

2. Again, I'm in love with another book whose author is associated with the New Yorker. I'm such a snob. Anyway, I'm in the middle of this well-paced history of the last days of the soviet union. It is like reading a James Bond novel where history is the actual 007. If you follow me. Do you follow me?

3. Besides the intro. I haven't read it yet, but there is a high probability that I will. And statistically speaking, I'll most likely finish 84% of it in 2007.

Pseudoscientific Quackery

2007-10-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

I just had someone from church give me three gallons of Alkaline/Ionized water to fix up all my health issues.

It reminded me of that scene in Pete's Dragon where the quack and failed medical student, by the name of Doc Terminus, is selling fake potions and running from one town to the next just ahead of the lynch mob.

"Here, just drink this water with a PH higher than 8. You drink so much diet Coke that you are in danger of a total PH collapse. My father was a diabetic and drank 1/2 a gallon of alkaline water a day and now he no longer takes insulin, he's lost a bundle of weight, and has his own home-based business. Let me know what you think...I'll be back in 3 days."

Anyway, I found this great aquascams website if anyone is interested.

I should probably disclose here also that when I was five, I had my first boy/woman crush on Helen Reddy. Mmmmm! Helen Reddy.

J.C.V.D. in J.C.V.D.

2007-10-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

Those who know me. Only Think they know. But the reality is the only thing I love more than a classic American novel, or a finely crafted piece of New New Journalism, is:

a) a web-site devoted to Chuck Norris.
b) a movie that is a rip-off of a sequel that can barely hold itself upright in the unflinching "b-movie" universe.
c) an actor who by all definitions refuses to act.

Obviously folks that is why I hold such a perverse thrill for the upcoming John Rambo movie and also for J.C.V.D. in J.C.V.D..

I will die happy and content knowing I saw both films awarded the cultural status they inevitably deserve. If both of these movies end up being released on on the same day, be sure you are watching the Rapture Index closely.

12 Angry Men

2007-10-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

"While our generals pursue a strategy dependent on peace breaking out, the Iraqis prepare for their war -- and our servicemen and women, and their families, continue to suffer."

This latest rebuke of Bush's failed campaign came from 12 former Army captains in a Washingtonpost.com editorial titled, The Real Iraq We Knew. It reminded me of the August 17 NYTimes.com editorial titled, The Iraq war as we see it.

"Four years into our occupation, we have failed on every promise, while we have substituted Baath Party tyranny with a tyranny of Islamist, militia and criminal violence. When the primary preoccupation of average Iraqis is when and how they are likely to be killed, we can hardly feel smug as we hand out care packages."

So we have current soldiers, recently retired captains (and generals), but where are the active officers? Probably the best answer can be found in Leonard Wong and Douglas Lovelace's Army War College article explaining the military culture's "tendency towards quiet obedience." It is a nice and thoughtful piece called, Knowing When to Salute.

Let's Start This Badboy!

2007-10-18T22:52:00.001-07:00

As the great Lincoln once said: "This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." (1st Inaugural Address, March 4, 1861)